the ecclesiasties* of my life?

i was officially hired by someone. Thursday i begin working at New York and Co. doing the "holiday help" thing. It's part time. IF i'm a rock star, I might get 20 hours. Otherwise, i'm looking at 0-15. Part of me is looking forward to it. It's SOMETHING. it's anything apart from doing nothing all day long. And maybe it will be fun. However, it doesn't even come close to meeting the financial obligations i have.

I had another interview at Bath and Body Works today. In said interview, the manager said it was again "holiday help" and that we could expect 3 to 5 hours a week. WHAT?!?! i'm trying to make a living! at this rate i'm going to need not two jobs, but 10!

I suppose when all is said and done. tommy will have two jobs. He worked 57 hours last week. Which is a blessing and, of course, a curse. We need the work. We need the money. But he's so tired and we get very few precious hours together. And I will have one retail job and hopefully a second job of some sorts. We have the one car. and minimal bills. and yet. we will work long hard hours. for little pay. not seeing each other much. juggling schedules. and i really find myself feeling depressed and wondering what is the point?

why do we do all of this? how did we get here? and who did i piss off so i could gravel at their feet to fix it? it just seems so very meaningless. and i know i'm not the only one in this place. but i wish i had an answer. i feel like my life got hit by a 2 x 4 back to negative square one, and i didn't see it coming and i just don't understand. and i don't know the point.

Time to go pick up my big ole bear ;)






*I know i spelt that wrong. but you get the point.

in the words of....

sometimes you hear a song or watch a show or read a blip and all of a sudden you can't breath becuase in that instant whatever you just heard put words to the place you are, the thoughts you've had, or the feelings you just don't seem to be able to express any other way. I had a couple of those moments in the last couple of days and so... here they are.

the song playing as i waited for my interview at NY & Co.:
She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singin' this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon,
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord, come through
We're gonna get there soon
[Chorus:]Oh it's your light,
Oh it's your way,
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin' out now
From so far away...
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin' down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon,
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room,
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon
[Chorus:]Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin' out now
From so far away...Pull me closer to love
Closer to love'
Cause you are all that I've waited for
All of my life (We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited for
All of my life
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Closer to love, oh no
Closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love

Two scenes from Grey Anatmony this week. and while they aren't the exact issues i face. i must say it captured the way i feel. ooooh my theraputic greys'.

Callie: ...You should have adjusted by now. i mean you are supposed to love me no matter what. that's what a parent does.
Her Dad: i love you with all my heart, but with all that's going on with you right now. I'm scared for you. Its an abomination. Its an eternity in hell.
The Priest: Let's not start with words like "hell".
Callie: OH. that's why you flew 3,000 miles??? to tell me i was going to Hell?!? I thought you came here to apologize.
Her Dad: I cant' apologize Callie. I don't understnad what happened or where I went wrong.
Callie: Where you went "wrong"?
Her Dad: (pulls paper out) Leviticus, "Thou shalt not lie with a man as one does with a female..."
Callie: Oh don't do that...
Her Father: ... "it is an abomination"....
Callie:... don't quote the Bible at me....
Her Father: ..."the outcry of Sodom & Gamora is great" and there is this, "it is exceedingly grave"...
The Priest: Carlos, this is not what we....
Callie: JESUS. "a new commandment that i give unto you that you love one another."
Her Dad: ROMANS. "we know that..."
Callie: JESUS. "to he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."
Her Dad: so you admit that it's a sin?
Callie: "Blessed are the mercyful for they shall obtain mercy". JESUS. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God". JESUS. "Blessed are those who have been persecuted fro righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Jesus is my savior daddy, not you. and Jesus would be ashamed of you for judging me. He would be ashamed of you for turning your back on me. He would be ashamed.

and the second scene from greys.....

Mer: Christina?
Christina: (crying)
Mer: Christina? Christina. Talk to me
Christina: (sobbing) No.
Mer: Christina.
Christina: (gasping)
Mer: What happened?
Christina: (sobbing)
Mer: Talk to me. Tell me what happened.
Christina: (through sobs) Nothing! Nothing. is. happening to me. i know. I know... i don't know what I'm doing. I'm chasing after surgerys I don't care about (gasp, pause). Do you know how long it's been since i've held a haeart in my hand? Since I've felt , that, that, joy (gasp) that rush> (gasp) I miss Burke. I miss him all day. I, I, I, miss... It's not the relationship... I miss... Everyday when he was here I held hearts. and I got picked, not because of some favoritism but just because it was right. and I learned. I learned. (pause, sob) And I felt seen. And now, you know what? I don't know what... I've spent this entire day fighting (gasp) and I don't wanna do it anymore.

And of course... the Private Practice....

Addison: Nobody beat me. Nobody tried to steal my baby. Nobody stabbed me. BUT. I am wounded sam.
Sam: Noah?
Addison: *sigh* my heart is broken. And I shouldn't even complain about it because Nothing happened. I mean. nothing. happened to me. Not like what happened to the larsons, and Violet. You know sometimes I'm almost jealous of them because everybody can see their injuries and so they have a right to be messed up. I sent Noah back to his wife. I did the right thing. and... my heart is broken.

just a few good scenes.

and he's off...

tommy just left for his first day of work at Wayne/Westland. It's very exciting, I suppose. I'm proud of him - no doubt. But I am left to feel like a bit of a loser. He has two jobs and i can't seem to find one. Not for lack of trying. I think for every job he has applied for, I have applied for 3.

I am not used to being supported by a man or really by anyone. I have always, always, always worked hard. I started working working when I was in 5th grade (about 11) cleaning toilets, vacuuming and dusting at my mom's 2nd job after school. I made $2 an hour and worked about 7 to 10 hours a week. And from that point on, if I wanted anything - a snack or toy or makeup or clothes or anything for myself - i saved up and bought it. I worked all through school. I worked while Erin was sick. I worked through college. And when we owed several grand in taxes in '05, i picked up a part-time job on top of the full time job to pay them off. Of course, there have most undoubtedly been acts of kindness and gifts here and there that at times filled the gap, but for the most part it's been up to me to find a way.

And now I feel a little lost. Unable to find work and playing the supporting role - making lunches, giving pep talks, and keeping my little space clean. I think if we had a family or even our own place, I wouldn't feel as much as a loser. At least then I would have something I was responsible for. like - taking care of the kids, keeping the house tidy. I'm not opposed to the homemaker job. The problem is that you have to have a HOME to BE a "homemaker". In addition, tommy doesn't make enough with the two jobs to make ends meet - so me getting work is, indeed, essential.

So today is scouting out online all the places I plan to apply to in person this week. Gunna hit up the westland mall and the strip along warren. It's a busy place and Christmas is coming at the very least which means holiday help. So fingers crossed.

I didn't make through my "To- Do" List on Saturday because the guilt of not helping clean the basement with tommy's folks got to me. It wore me right down at lunchtime and I gave in. My stupid caring heart. So I have some of those things to accomplish. Top priority: making tommy that map. He really does have bad direction and will need some help knowing where all the schools are.

To-Do list

1. make map for tommy of all the schools in the Wayne/Westland School District as he has very poor directional skill and will need map to get to work.

2. put together gameplan for applying for waitressing jobs along warren road.

3. File the pile that is on top the fileing box.

4. vaccuum the room. (DONE)

5. figure out how much i have to make to cover the rest of the bills that tommy's two jobs don't.

6. research the cost of getting stuff back as will need in the next month in a half. make sure we've hit the savings goal.

7. play farkle, facebook, watch movies and generally anything to keep me "occupied" (i.e. in my room) until tommy gets off work at 8.

Is journal entry in style of Bridget Jones, as I am almost completely finished with first book.

This is "it".

for the last month or two, i've been thinking about happiness. and being happy despite the circumstances. i've thought out these long blogs in my head as i drive or take a shower. but, never actually sit down to write them. i had a blog in my head about what it really means to live in the grey. but i didn't write that one either. i think i might be the best non-blogger EVER! i should add THAT to my resume. *hmph* the problem is once i write all these "non-blogs" in my head, once i do sit down to write, I feel that I should write them. I mean, after all, they have been waiting their turn. But instead, I sit down to write, beside myself with emotion and can't think straight for anything to write any kind of intelligible blog. [i just reread that sentence "beside myself with emotion" and can hear lor giggling and jason making some sarcastic comment about how "what? does that mean you climbed out of yourself to sit next to yourself in emotion???" but hey, i'm leaving it in anyways ;)]

anyways, too much emotion to write a thoughtful blog and not simply a rant about how my life sucks. which i hate. but not sure how to stop. the truth is, i'm so miserable right now that i don't know if it's even possible for me not to be. or what that even begins to look like. miserable to the point that i don't even know the point of waking up every day is. because every day is the same horribleness. everyday is co-existing with people who merely tolerate me on a good day. and the bad days - oh my god - aren't blog appropriate. everyday is no job. Everyday is hunting for said job just to be told "the position has been filled" or simply hear nothing at all. every day's highlight is changing my facebook status to something pathetic or fronting optimism hoping i might believe it if i say it enough. and i'm just not quite sure the point anymore.

and now, i'm not sure what to say. i have no answers. i have no hope left. and i'm left frustrated and angry and sad and after months, hell - YEARS, of fighting, of hanging on "just a little bit longer", and telling myself it has to get better. I think very well the truth might be: this is it. there is no better.

crappy rant #43

If a blog can be a "get your thoughts out of your head and into space", can it also be begging forum to the unknown space for a job???? My unemployment is running out. The new claim is denied as expected and i believe i have 13 weeks of federal extension left (i'm not positive just gunna have to wait and see) - and then, i'm s.o.l.

it's hard for me to believe that i've been jobless so long. I find myself driving and thinking to myself, could it REALLY be over a year now??? and i find myself thinking i must have done something wrong. made some wrong choice. blew off some offer somewhere. but i haven't. nothing. there have been no offers. i have applied like gang-busters for a year and nothing. I went back to school to become more marketable. nothing. I really just don't know what I could do different. or why my life is taking this path.

Sometimes i lay in bed at night and wonder what i did wrong. or if i'm being cosmical punished for something. i haven't been perfect. but i don't think i've really done anything to warrant such a negative down turn of life. like a decade down turn???

I'm just getting to that point where i've just got nothing else to give. niceness seems gone. patience - gone. happiness - ha! that was gone LoooooooOOOOOooong ago. my grace for others is slipping. thoughtfulness just seem annoying.

anywho, if a blog can be a begging to cosmic web-gods for a job... this is mine. Ppppppplllllleeeeeaaaase. i'm a really good worker. i won't leave after 2 years. and i'm not always this much of a debbie-downer. i actually, once-upon-a-time, was considered a valuable asset to a company. and i will do good things for yours.

so my fingers are crossed in desperate act of begging for job - the schoolcraft one - it's my last good feeler out there.

and dinner is served... *sigh*

Thomas... the doubter

tonight was a dinner of parental meetings. my mom was in town and had the chance to meet tommy's 'rent's. all in all, i think it went well. My mom was raised Independent Baptist and now attends a non-denom via Southern Baptist and tommy's parents go to a former Southern Baptist now just a non-denom, as well. and it gave a foundation for them to connect on.

Two distinct low points in the dinner. Both centered around the tension between my mom and tommy.

One, my mother finished saying something and tommy started to change the subject and I interrupted him to ask a question that related to the mom's finished story. I said, "sorry to interrupt you.." and tommy, having worked all day and being on edge for several reason's responded in what I like to call "big brother antagonism" said, "actually you did mean to interrupt me..." but knowing tommy you know that the finish to that statement is that he didn't mind a bit that i interrupted him but needed to point out that I DID in fact, MEAN to interrupt him. (which i did, tis true) Like i said... "big brother antagonism". my mother, being my mother, felt the need to stick up for me and tell tommy that was not nice, at all. which created tension. because despite what my mother says, i'm pretty sure she is not the fondest of my chosen mate. i'm also pretty sure that there isn't anyone who walks this earth that w o u l d qualify.

two, one story led to another story and the next thing you know, tommy is telling one of his pet peeve stories about a woman who lost a glove in a parking lot where he was working. The woman called and asked if it had been found, in which, it had. The woman then was extremely happy and stated she had prayed that God would help her find her glove and he did. This annoys tommy to no end because of what it says about God. That while children die of starvation or disease (just pick one) and parents pray while they are blue in the face and God does not answer their prayers or save them. BUT God does help crazy middle age ladies find gloves they lost. And from there we got a miniature sermon on why God answers one prayer and not others. And the message made clear on how my mum disagrees with the theology of said chosen mate. tension.

it really all boils down to misunderstanding.

But it brought up once again a reoccurring theme with tommy, me, God, and other peoples opinions. I would say the consensus of other peoples opinions is that tommy and probably myself are far from the beaten path of faith and to put it nicely, f-ed in the head when it comes to theology. I am far less vocal than tommy, so unfortunately, he takes the brunt of criticism from family. But the truth of it is thomas, true to his Biblical namesake, is a doubter. a questioner. a person who wants to ask questions until he finds the answer and if he can't find the answer - try and make you ask the question too. It is something I adore about him and also share with him.

After leaving the cult and a time of life where i accepted everything without question, I have become far less trusting and much more of an independent thinker. Tommy has only furthered my own personal question asking journey. Like seriously, how is it that the God of the old testament is so different from the one of the new? or how come God let Job suffer for a bet like he was just an evening at the casino? or why is it I get the crap end of the stick while some other smuck sits on their butt and everything works out their way? or we accept Ester as part of the Bible which doesn't mention God ONCE, but if a Christian does the same - they are a heathen? What if the old testament stories didn't happen... what if they are just lessons? Why does the christian community shame a couple like tommy and I living together, but if we were married be okay with it? (Because technically the Bible says that since i'm divorced... remarried or not, we're both sinning) The questions, the discrepancies between one principle that is held up and the next that isn't in the church, it's kind of disgusting. and i really get why people wouldn't want to be Christians or go to church. Cuz it's kind of a mess. A big ugly confusing mudpile of woodstock proportion M E S S.

But here's the kicker. at the end of the day, tommy and I are still believers. we still believe in God. we have experienced things in this life that are unexplained by rational or even words. We just ask the questions and search for the answers and wait. and wait. and wait. And in the case of tommy, he likes to make you ask the questions too. And the more I live, the more I don't understand. And the less I have some black and white rule book in the Bible that has "all the answers" like I thought when i was kid. Cuz it doesn't. BUT I"M OKAY WITH THAT. and i'm okay with the fact that i don't get it. well... "okay" maybe a REALLY big picture feeling. cuz right now, i'd say my mood ring is more on the "frustrated to angry" color. But that's okay too.

What's frustrating is people like my mom who pass judgement on those that are willing to ask the questions. To hunt the answers down for themselves till it makes sense. Or simply waits in frustration in some spiritual eye blinking contest. After all, if your God isn't big enough to handle a few questions, a few angry sobs, and a stand your ground tug of war contest... then maybe he shouldn't be your God.

Hope for the Hopeless ???

ever want to just crap on hope? or imagine a pie hitting happy people? or take weird comfort when the sweetest people post their fb status as grumpy?

I laid down to take a nap yesterday and overheard part of a conversation begun by the youngest Benson. It started with "i think we should all read Job". Which began an interesting talk about the life of Job and how things are difficult now but how God is teaching us something. Like to appreciate the good things we have or how good it's been up until now. And I fell asleep thinking of Job and such thoughts.

It's not the first time i've thought of Job. i don't believe it's even the first time i've blogged about such. When I was a child, all things bible and God were banned in our house and so my mother creatively told us "stories" that I would later find out were simply Bible stories. And Job was a favorite. I don't know if she told it often because life with my dad was so repressive or because we asked for it. But it's the one story that I remember her telling a lot on car rides across town. It's a story i'm quite familiar with.

In high school, just a few years younger than youngest Benson, I attempted to read Job. I've attempted or completed reading it many times actually. Because when you've had as "bumpy" of a life as mine, you cling to the story of the person with the crap life that eventually gets redeemed, right? But as I lay there it seems, God felt like placing a bet with his archenemies and he thought Job was a good bet. So life craps on Job and when Job has nothing left, finally Job gives up and then God yells at Job for not having enough faith and for complaining and reminding Job that God is in control of everything and then he gives back to Job 10-fold.

So the point is God's a betting man? He likes to play games with your life? He'll take everything away because he can and if you suffer well then he'll give it back 10-fold? All my life i excepted these lessons as acceptable. the way it all just works. but after all these years of life crapping on me, it just doesn't seem acceptable anymore. I mean, seriously??? this is what we get? needless to say i'm not okay with it. If this is the way it works - the way sucks.

And then I feel guilty for thinking that, and feel the strange need to look over my shoulder to check and see if lightening is gunna strike. But at the same time, I challenge it. a rebellion against the status quo - what would happen God actually did strike? to a certain degree, I do think I would welcome that. Because maybe then we skip the all the politeness and christennese dance and I could just have the truth right there - untampered by belief systems and religious secs, and humans who think they get it. or He would just put me out of my misery which doesn't seem like a bad option at all. I think it could be a win-win situation. At the very least a break in the mind-numbing day to day of nothingness which takes form in job hunting, packing, cleaning and trying to fit with a people who seem oblivious to the fact i'm busting my arse to fit.

so i know i'm a real debbie downer. it's just that i've been holding out hope for sooooooo long it's gunna turn around, that it will get better, that tomorrow is one more step toward the life I desire. and it doesn't. just when it looks like it's gunna get better - something super crappy happens. what is the proverb - unfulfilled hope makes the heart sick? something like that. too bad there's no follow up verse on how to avoid such unfulfilled hope.

So i used to think I was a nice person, but i seriously doubt it these days. I don't think a nice person hates happy people. but I just can't seem to help myself. it just happens all the same.

and my one bit of hope - the State Farm lady called asked a BUNCH of questions and then told me she was going to refund my deductible. in which i told her that i loved her and started crying. i think she thought I was crazy. and i'm trying to think how this is a good thing. a happy thing. a sign for better days. but truth be told i'm incredibly skeptical - just waiting for the next shoe to drop full of crap. so, we'll see. as for Job - i'm still waiting and holding out hope that someone wrote the story wrong and that God will show up pissed that someone on the writing staff took too much creative liberty and hand us a copy of the unedited version of Job along with never before seen authors notes explaining stuff.

I give up

I'm not sure anyone ACTUALLY will read this since it has been F O R E V E R since i blogged. I could do a whole stupid "update", but anyone who reads this knows i'm back in Michigan and they know why. and that despite my personally pity party at this moment - i am relatively pleased that i'm here. because the truth of the matter is that things would suck this bad if we were anywhere... at least it gets to suck with our friends and family.

My life has been in transition for two years. And I feel I have taken it like a champ, relatively speaking. Not to mention that the three years before that were pretty much miserable. So now at the end of 5 years I am homeless, jobless, carless, and pretty much pennyless. Everything I own is in storage in Georgia. I sleep on an air mattress and live out of a bag. I have given up on having any kind of deep meaningful relationship with my family and i am trying to come to grips that I am just different and despite my efforts we will not agree on a great many things and they will always think I am someone I am not. The best to hope for is small talk and day to day "hows the weather" conversations.

I keep waiting for life to begin. Bonding conversations with new family. Fitting in somewhere. Eventually getting our own place. Getting married again. children. but I approach 30 and the truth of the matter is I have nothing more than I had when I was 19 and first moved to Michigan. Except perhaps myself. A better understanding of myself and a little more sanity, but that came out of, honestly, just more heartache.

Today seems to be a particularly difficult day. I should be happy but in the mist of someone elses joy, I can only see how miserable my life is. And I want to just give up. cuz where does it all get you? and why even try? Because I seem to be the person denstined for crap. and the short end of the really stinky stick.

The voice in my head dictated by my upbringing says "well there must be some purpose in it all. some lesson to learn." Which only makes anger rise in me, cuz seriously? i'm not resisting learning. do we REALLY think it's necessary to go to these extremes??? not to mention if this is the way someone teaches - then I think they need a better system. cuz it sucks. i don't like it. and it makes me angry. and honestly, what is the purpose of taking everything a person has in life and making it crap so they feel like crap? well, crappy feeling achieved. perhaps we could move on now.

anyways. i give up. i raise the white flag.
bleh. my pity party even annoys me.
retarded.

Two weeks into the School game

So i'm just about done with two weeks of school. It's been enough time that I know what i like and what I don't. I've learned that I read better in the mornings and I should leave "activity" sorts of things to the afternoon. It's become a really good pattern for me. So that I am now reading the chapters required for class BEFORE i go to class which makes me able to interact with the material in class and on the discussion boards sooner... which is good.

So Classes I have this Session A:

Career Development - It's all about understanding yourself and what motivates you so you know what types of careers are ones you will succeed in. It's also about finding "hidden" jobs and knowing the best way to interview. It's like one GIANT 8 week career coaching class. As a psych. lady... i find it a pretty interesting class. However, it's rather demanding with the work load, but i think it's worth a ton. Especially in THIS economy where you need to be on top of the game to get the jobs that are out there. If ANYONE, would like tips or to know some of the interesting ways to get a job... let me know. I shall share my knowledge!

Project Management - It's pretty much what it sounds like... learning how to manage projects. Projects happen ALL the time in companies. Heck, I just got laid off from a company where all we DID were projects. And there is a WHOLE philosophy and researched way on how to do them efficiently and effectively. It's like a whole other language. But I like it. My mom teaches this class, as well. So we have not mentioned the relationship part in class, but i'm pretty sure all the students recognize that we how knowledge of each other that extends outside the classroom. We also learn about the MS project software and how to use it to run a project. So it's cool.

Database Management - I decided to take this course as my elective business credit. Mostly because Access is my weakest software. While i think it will bring my software knowledge up to an expert level rather than that working knowledge bit... I hate the class. the professor is unprepared and well, just a crap professor. We spent TWO hours of class talking about tangents. Not even really covering the text and material we needed to cover. Which when it's 8:30 at night and you haven't even yet begun to dive into what you need to... it's really frustrating. Also, i'm the only white girl in the class and last class the entire class (including prof) decided to get into a conversation about "laws not being applied equally" and "how they never would". They were using the Madoff and the Vicks case as examples. The only conclusion I could come to was race. Talk about freaking uncomfortable. What is the only little white girl suppose to say???

Business Law - It's a drive across town for me. So i usually go early to avoid traffic. It's law and stuff. Pretty interesting, I think. We get to write a fun paper on a justice. so that's cool. The class is very "lively" in the words of the prof (a lawyer for 20 years). I would tend to agree with him. Class is usually the entire 4 hours because the class HAS to talk through EVERYTHING. You would think it was a "get free legal advice class". while it gets a bit annoying at times, there are some pretty freaking funny moments. One little southern girl actually volunteered the information that she had been on birth control for 10 years but went off of it this year because after 10 years you should do that. WHAT?!?! exactly... rare moments that usually amazingly entertaining.

Senior Project - this one stretches out across both Session A and B. It's about putting into practice everything you have learned in real life. So you go out, find a company that would like some free work done for them and do it. My original plan was to speak to the DeVry president (a friend of moms) in regards to a new position that is opening, one i would like to apply for... and do my senior project in relation to the position opening up. The idea being that once they saw the work I could do - I would have a job. And afterall... going back to school to finish this darn degree is all about getting a job. HOWEVER, said president is not returning my calls and I REALLY need to have something in motion by tomorrow... really end of business today... cuz nothing is happening before class tomorrow. so. there is a plan B. I don't know details, but it's a former student who is starting or working with a start-up non-profit that needs 1. a website designed 2. a logo created and 3. an organizational process for whatever is they are going to do put into place. It has definite potential. I can create logos and processes. Totally. Website design... my mind reaches FAR back into itself when i did LIGHT website design in the tyndale days for fun with lor. sooo... it's a possibility. Mom has also assured me with all the templates out there... I would have NO problem. we shall see. I'm trying one more time with the president today and after that... I'll have to switch gears.

Around here at the house, I study, read, do thread discussions (every class requires usually 4 posts during the week) and other stuff. I've been the house cleaning lady... but with school taking up 90% of my time. The house has gone to pot. oh well. I also have been feeding my indian mama at the nursing home about 4 times a week, too. Which means my Georgia friends are all over the age of 70 with advanced Alzheimer's. but i must say it's a nice way to mix my day up. I visit with Ms. Velza, Ms. Ginny, Ms. Shirley, Ms. Harriet, and Ms. Blanche while i feed and walk mama around. it's nice to see there little faces light up when i walk in and they get to tell me about what they did that day. Most of them don't have families that visit them. so I try to make a point to say hello and ask them how things are going. Ms. Shirley is the most advanced of them all. Her memory is fine, she just has trouble saying words. Luckily she sits right next to mama at the table, so since mama doesn't talk... it's a nice thing to talk to Ms. shirley. and that is my days, these days.

Since erin got out of the hospital, there has been stricter rules placed for her. Although, mom forgets to enforce them sometimes. She now is to eat in the living room or out of her room. and She has to get her own things for herself. Which has been good. Otherwise she will spend days... weeks on end in her room and never come out. Which is RIDICULOUS. so. we are doing SOMETHING good here. also, erin is suppose to do physical therapy. soon. she hasn't yet. so we will see.

Tom is good. busy with kroger and working full time as fuel lead. I'm awfully proud of him for advancing so fast. he is ready to go home. and i can't say that i blame him. but i do feel an awful lot of stress to support him and support my family at the same time. usually, that goes in two different directions. which kinda sucks.

and that is life... just a quick update to let you know how the whirlwind goes.

the art of a life

the first time i went to see a movie in the theater i was something like 4 or 5. It was the first movie my mother ever saw in the theater since she had been raised strictly independent baptist and movies were "bad". it was somethng we have always shared together - our first movie. it was E.T. and i remember vividly to this day sitting in that theater watching E.T. die and Elliot come back to life with all the grown-ups wearing space outfits sobbing my headoff. i felt the pain of Elliot. i felt the loss of E.T. to the very core of my soul and i couldn't understand why all these grownups in the movie and the all the ones around me didn't seem to be as upset and heartbroken as me.

i cried through the end of the movie. i cried as we walked out to the car. i cried as we drove to the reasarant (chili's). i cried while we waited to be seated and i cried until we ordered our food and my father threatend me i wouldn't eat if i didn't stop crying. and even though i stopped the gut wrenching sobs, i still silently let the tears slide down my innocent little cheeks.

and now twenty plus years later, i watch a movie and inevitable i cry. today tom and i decided we would go and see Slumdog Millioniare in the theaters. we love movies, but to go out and see it on the big screen is something we rarely do because of the cost. but with our new found interest in all things Indian and Japannes and Chinnese... basically anything you can serve jasmine rice with... it seemed fitting to make sure we caught this one in aaaalll its glory.

We got there early after having the rustica pizza at pizza hut (very good btw) and had plenty of time to settle into our seats and wait for the previews to start. There was an ad for the new Watchman movie and a blip about the song that My Chemical Romance did for it, which made me decide that maybe i'd like to read it before i saw it in movie form. Then the previews began and as always after every single movie i declared to tom in my most ennuciated whisper (which is usually kinda loud) that i reeeeally would like to see that movie. We saw a clip for the Wolverine movie (may 1st my friends) and at that point i decided that i would go over the edge geek and admit to tom that i actually would like to start collecting the X-men graphic novels. After one preview i was even already stiffling back tears, at which point i told tom that i was most definately going to cry at Slumdog Millioniare too.

and the movie was good. i was tense through the whole thing. completely on edge wanting the best for the characters at hand and also intense on soaking up the Indian culture and language and the way they said things like "mumbai."and the end comes and the waterworks begin. it usually seems to go that way. the end of the movie... i lose it. and it's not because of what happend. it's not the loss or the gain or the pain or any particular thing that happend in the movie. it's simply because it did happen.

let me explain, it seems by the end of the movie i see all of it at once. as if you took the timeline of the events of the story and folded them on end into a two dimensional picture. like a still painting. and see it that way. as if i were in a muesum of sculptures and paintings. and i were to stand back and see it all together. the entire picture at once. and just take in it's beauty. and then naturally my eye begins to roam the piece, taking in the details. the brushstrokes, the layers, the use of color and light and dark... every element. and then you step back and see it again... all at once. and that is the end of the movie for me. the beauty of a life. any life. good or bad. life. i think it is the most beautiful artwork there is. there is nothing like the woven tapastry of the messy thing we call life.

as an artist sometimes i get so bogged down on this one part of a painting. the lighthouse whose roof is slanted wrong. or the sea whose has a wrong texture. and i work it and work it and work it - till the paper can literally bare no more and i have to stop and just let it be. and life is like that sometimes too. we get so bogged down in this one detail. or this one area. or this the one flaw made right here that we swear everyone can see and we fail to step back and see the big picture. all of it. piled ontop of itself. no one else sees the flaws we see.. they just see the beauty of the artwork layered up to make the most beautiful piece of art one can have... a life.

and that's what i love about the movies. because after two hours of being swept off to India you walk out of there and realize the whole picture in your own life. and not take for granted the sweetness of a moment like singing "help" by the beatles at the top of your lungs with your favorite person, even if you're just on your way to do the mundane job of grocery shopping.

BUS115 and Mad Props to the Cuz

so i put the smack down on BUS115 as promised. I passed with an 88%. i only needed an 80 and i'm a happy girl. and then i went to finish registering for classes. so not good. i could sit on my soapbox of how crappy my expereince has been with the school. but i will refain. for now. there are still a few kinks to work out in the classes i have to take and how much and if i will be able to graduate in june. but. one obstacle has been dominated. yes. i am calling 88% domination. especially since everyone told me NO ONE passes the test. so take that crappy DeVry staffers! ha!

in other news..... mad props for the cuz (it's Rusty Mewha)

A big hand for Kong at Meadow Brook Theatre
By Donald V. Calamia
In an era of bad economic news, job losses and a housing crash, it should come as no surprise that people are searching for - and desperately need - a really good laugh. And that's exactly what Meadow Brook Theatre delivers with the Michigan premiere of Kong's Night Out - and plenty of them!
Created by playwright (and director) Jack Neary who always wondered what was going on in the room NEXT to the room invaded by King Kong's gigantic fist in the original 1933 movie, Kong peeks in on the second-generation rivalry between two Broadway producers.
It's hours before opening night, and Myron Siegel (Christopher Howe) is upset to learn that pre-sold tickets for Foxy Felicia are being returned by the busloads. Why? Because the talk of the town has shifted to the top-secret project Carl Denham (Wayne David Parker) has planned for that very same night, and nervous money-man Sig Higgenbottom (Eddie Mekka) is threatening to pull his money out of Siegel's sure-to-bomb extravaganza. So with the help of his investor-mother (and former stripper) Sally Charmaine (Cindy Williams), Siegel schemes to uncover his rival's plans – and squash them.
Of course, since Kong IS a farce, nothing goes as planned. Instead, what Neary offers is a silly, frothy and thoroughly delightful night of laughs, packed with plenty of twists and turns, door slams and witty banter to keep it interesting.
But what REALLY sells the production are the near-perfect performances by not only the actors mentioned above, but also by the stellar supporting cast members who at times nearly stole the show on opening night.
In particular, Kady Zadora brightens the stage as Siegel's giggly, buxom, but not-as-dumb-as-she-acts niece from Buffalo, Daisy, who eagerly agrees to help save her uncle's show - with strings attached, of course.
And Teri Clark Linden beautifully captures both the charming and slimy sides of Bertrille, the sexy, opportunistic and side-switching wife of Myron (and secret girlfriend of Carl).
However, it's Rusty Mewha who especially enchants the audience as Jack, the dimwitted fiance of Ann Darrow (the object of Kong's affection). Every entrance he makes is memorable - and you won't soon forget his impersonation of Kong crouching on a stage.
All of the show's technical elements serve the show quite well - from Kristen Gribbin's recreation of an expensive New York hotel suite to Reid G. Johnson's lights and Corey T. Globke's period-perfect costumes.
The production's only noticeable flaw occurs in Act Two, as poorly conceived and executed chase scenes lose their steam - and, seemingly, the actors' interest - half-way through.
SHOW DETAILS:
Meadow Brook Theatre, 2200 N. Squirrel Rd., Rochester. Wednesday-Sunday through March 8. Tickets: $30-$39. For information: 248-377-3300 or www.mbtheatre.com.

Click here to comment on this review
Performance Information
Show times
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 12, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 13, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 14, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 20, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 26, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 27, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, March 6, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sunday, March 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm

hearts, chocolates, and all that mushy stuff :)

We intturupt this studing cram session to bring you the highlights of valentines day....

okay so we really aren't inturrupting anything.... just "popping out a blog" (as i told tom) before i get into a marathon day of the stuff (a.k.a studing).

but yesterday was simply too divine to not take a moment to share it. i woke up early yesterday morning to get dressed to go and sit in on mom's class - senior project. This was for two reasons: 1. if everything goes as planned, i will be taking this class "senior project" next term and it just sounds ominous... this project you do as a senior where you work with a company addressing a problem they have and giving them a solution and then doing this HUGE presentation infront of three professors (three different times). I wanted to know what the heck i was in for. 2. it was also just a great opportunity to spend time with mom and see what it is she does and where she goes when she runs out the door.

so the class was suppose to end at noon... HOWEVER, we weren't leaving campus until almost 1. which messed up my plan to run to the store for tommy. the class... went great. i gave suggestions (that was the purpose of this class...last time they meet before the 'big day) on how they could make things better. and i felt like i was giving the no brainers. just things that popped out to me. but one girl decided to pop up and tell me that i could get paid for giving people these kinds of ideas. which made me think of sharon and that i had she probably had rubbed off on me a bit. and that made me feel awfully good. so even though i was running late, i was feeling GREAT cuz apparently i'm smart and people like my ideas.

tom had texted me to let me know that he was preparing me something special at home and he was planning for me to be there at 1. so i raced home fast as i could because tom had to head off to work at 2. I got there at 1:15 with just enough time to somewhat peacefully enjoy the most amazing meal of my life. it was like iron chef had come to our kitchen. It must be said that it's the end of the grocery two weeks and time for grocery shopping. there are no more planned meals yet to be cooked. nutin. so tom iron chef style - looked at the ingredints we had and made amazing gormet lunch. We had cheesy potatoe croquets - i'm still not even sure what a croquet is but it's damn good. We had heart shaped samon cakes (super yum). Roasted grapes - sounds wierd... but really good. and Carrots cooked in basalmic vinegrette glaze. i typically do not like carrots if they are even a tiny bit warm. these were amazing. and it was topped off with aztec style drinking chocolate... it had a spicy little kick which was most yum. it was all very divine and very rich and pleasing on my happy lil foodie taste buds.

i think it was one of the best valentines day gifts ever. it took a lot of work on toms part and creativity and it was so much more than just popping by the store and handing me a bunch o flowers. it was a gift from the heart and i think that is why it was so amazing. i told tom yet once again that he really should go to culinary school... i mean if can do that with what's in the kitchen with no training... lordy almighty look out food network....

i took tom to work where we found out that there is a strong potential that possibly within the next week he will receive a promotion to the lead fuel clerk. it would mean full time, a raise, and basically the responsibilty of managing the station. nothing official... just the rumors that run before people actually do what they are talking about.

while he was at work, i ran that errand i had intended to earlier in the day. and i got lost. like 4 exits down the highway from where we live lost. i just took TWO rights. TWO. and was so lost when i called my mom she wasnt' even sure where i was. but i found my way to the highway and got back on track... just a litle behind schedule. i picked up a bottle of tupelo honey. if anyone knows us together... expecially in those early days of dating. there was van morrison and tupelo honey. tupelo honey is particularly difficult to find (i know i looked for a year), but i found a place that carries it here in GA. so i went for the sweet (literally) gift that represents the beginning sweet time in our relationship. i think it was nice.

ran home with an hour to go before tom got home. and started whipping up some super yummy devil's food cake cupcakes with creamcheese frosting. i even started using some alton brown techniques while mixing stuff together. i felt like a super pro. but a super pro running out of time. it was already time for tommy to get off work and the yummy treat wasn't done.

so i picked up the man, and he handed me a lovely velvety box o' chocolates... truffless... *giggles* it was sweet. i decided since valentines day is about appreciating the one you love, that tommy and i could just finish the cupcakes together. so we did. so now we have sweet treats and fun memories of frosting cupcakes with cheesy hearts and chocolates.

tom had make reservations at a super swanky place for dinner. but they were late (which worked out great in the end) and so we parted ways (him to our bathroom, me to moms') to get all spiffed up. and we did.... all perdy up for the occasion. i even had mom take some pictures cuz you gotta take pictures when you are all spiffed up! and we ate at Luciannos (i think that's what its name was). it's wasn't far but it was pretty packed. apparently recently rated by atlantans as the #2 italian place in the city last month. and i could see why. it was great. amazing amazing northern italian food. tommy got the rigatoni *something* and i got the lasagna... so yum. we topped it off with Tiramisu, which i think was amazing in and of itself becuase i think we had both eaten like 4 cupcakes already. the tiramisu... rocked. sooooo incredibly smooth.

by the time we started for the car to head home i was done. i think it was just hitting that point of fullness on all the senses. my tummy was golden. i had a single glass of wine. i was exhausted. i felt accomplished. and i felt overwhelmingly loved. so full that i think i was like drunk of fullness of life. i seriously could barely walk to the car and had to focus VERY hard to drive us home. but we made it home safely (for the most part) and i collapsed in bed. it was a good day for sure. a very very good day indeed.

Update: Comp110

i just came back from taking the Comp110 test. passed. most goodness.
now for cramming.

Jumping through the Hoops

ah school. so i've been working on getting my credits transferred and registration and the all jazz one must do before they actually attend school.

the plan is for me to take 30 credits in 16 weeks. 16 credits (5 classes) for 8 weeks. and then 14 credits (5 classes) the other 8 weeks. and then THAT my friends will give me a finished degree. A degree in "technical management" (a general business degree) with an emphasis in psychology. It also makes me much more marketable in the business world in which i've got quite a few years experience working in. and so, hopefully all of this will get me a job. isn't that ALWAYS the point???

well, yesterday i went up to school to register for classes. all my official transcripts were in and evaluated. (i have 4 including my high school transcript). and it has come back officially that i will need to take 35 credit hours in order to graduate with aforementioned degree. i have to take 30 credits to achieve the residency requirement. so i will need to test out of 5 credits... no biggie. one is a general computer class (what is a cpu? how do you send an email?) that kind of stuff. and the other was an excel class (i'm an excel wizard... again. a breeze).

now i have entrusted my mother with the planning of my schooling. it's her school. she is a former dean and currently teaches in the business sector, as well as, advises like 75 students (the most of any professor on campus). the lady gave birth to me, she knows what i can handle and she knows this school and how to work the system for ones schooling advantage. so why reinvent the wheel... she's my official school planner. so she planned it all out. gave me a sheet of paper with the classes i needed and the schedule she felt was good - making sure she got me the professors that were the best... the whole nine yards. takes a huge load off my back - let me tell you.

so i walk in yesterday - to register. everyone knows my mom. everyone loves her. (she's an AMAZING professor) and hand over all the work she's done for me. i get through the first person. no problems. no hint of a problem. check. i go to finical aid to sign crap there. no problems. no hint of problems. check. i go to register for the classes my mom has written on my trusty piece of paper.... problem. big. big. big problems. after crazy looks, the registrar chick goes and gets the dean. the dean explains to me that i can not simply take 30 credit hours in a semester. that is crazy. they only let people take 19 at a maximum. now know that i've already had this discussion with my mom on the possibility and plausibility of this situation and she has assured me that she has had students do this before and that she believes it's something i can do. so here i am looking at the dean of students saying... but my mommy said i could. okay. i didn't SAY that... but what came out of my mouth, was pretty close. i felt pretty stupid.

so said dean says... well you will have to complete an academic appeal to get the policy waived. so she gets me said form which requires a letter explaining what i want and why. and the dean says... we will go ahead and register you for up to 19 and then go from there.

so registrar sits down again to attempt to do this. computer freezes up and wont let her in. she tries and tries and tries. nothing. so she says... i'll have to put it in later. i'll just write everything down and put a note in your file. so she starts with the first class. A business survey class. again she looks up at me and rambles to herself and then goes and gets the dean. (she's gone quite awhile this time). registration lady comes back and says there are these problems the dean will talk to you in a minute. great.

so dean comes back out and explains that the class i need and was trying to register for is a prerequisite for ALL the other classes i need to take. and that THIS class must be completed before i begin the rest. (well if that's the case, the plan to finish in ONE term just went out the window) however, she tells me that if i can test out of this class that will solve some of the problems. we will still have some conflicts, but at least we could go from there. she suggests i go to the library check out the book for the class and attempt the test in three days. yup. cram a whole class, self taught, and be able to test on it by tuesday.

so i go home. registered for nothing and a little defeated feeling yet DETERMINED to work through all of this. i write one kick ass letter as to how i am completely capable of taking this class load because i'm not working and that people who work and take ONE class have the same demands placed upon their time and life that i would have with 5 classes and NO work. and then i detailed out my 5 year educational history of gpas, course loads, academic accomplishments and part time work schedule i managed. as proof that i could do this because i HAD done this before. i then handed it in to her before the end of the day. i wanted this dean to know i meant business. so i wait to hear on things on that front.

so today i needed test out of that computer class. i go in to do so and apparently my electronic file has not been fixed from when i got screwed up yesterday. someone screwed something up (registering lady was training this other chick) and they had not done what they needed to do in the computer system and could not do it because it kept freezing up and all of this had to be fixed before i took the test. so i spent an hour waiting to take the test and did not. i gave her my number and said i would take it later today if she got it fixed - just let me know. otherwise i guess it will be tomorrow or monday... we shall see.

in the meantime, i am about to start cramming for this other test BUS115. mom ran some reconnaissance for me and found out the kinds of things on the test... apparently its very vocab heavy. so i'm gunna cram and take said test on tuesday. this test determines a lot. it basically determines if i can take the course load i want, graduating in june and everything.

my gut also tells me that this test will determine if the dean will approve my academic appeal. if i were her - i would wait to see how well i was able to cram for a test and then if i could succeed at passing it. if i could, then i would think that would be a good indicator i might be able to handle the heavy course load. if i can't, then it might say i need to take it slower. that's what i would think if i was the dean... and so again... EVERYTHING hinges on this test. so forgive me if i'm absent till after tuesday... it's crunch time kids.

happy birthday to my lady hope - lor! (may your 29th be the best yet)
Happy friday the 13th to all of you... whoo!
happy Valentines to you all tomorrow. i know tommy and i are doing sumtin special... perhaps topic of next blog.

peas and carrots.

p.s. my spelling really sucks.

The Medication War

so it's an early sunday morning. earlier than anyone not working in their right mind should be up. but since it is a typically sacred day. and it happened to be my topic of fluttering thoughts while i folded the clothes and washed this dishes (already this morning - whoo go me!). i thought it time to sit down and really contemplate this idea/situation i battle daily. i also hesitated before writing this.... is this too personal? to private a matter? to public a forum? and it might be, i think it definitely squishes right up to the edge. but at the same time it does good to shine light on what is historically thought of as something that is secretive and shameful. that even i, in my very open personality type, shy away from admitting in public for fear of being shamed. and perhaps bring understanding to a group of people i have begun to see in the world around me that i like to think of as "the sensitives". so. i attempt to tread lightly, but to continue to tread.

previous to 7th grade, i remember myself being quiet and shy. that had a lot to do with my family and growing up and my father. my parents separated and divorced when i was in 4th grade (over spring break). but it was in 7th and 8th grade that it was like this light switched turned on in my world. it had been a couple of years since the separation and i guess it took time for me to come out of the coma of that situation. and i went from quiet to bouncing off the freaking wall. i looked like a crazy text book example of kid with ADD. i couldn't sit still. everything seemed so alive to me. everything felt all of a sudden so deep. and i felt passionate. the sun was sunnier. my friends made me happier. it was like i had the energizer bunny living inside of me. and i'm pretty sure i annoyed every single person i came in contact with. and having so much energy made me kinda weird for a kid in 7th/8th grade... that's when you are supposed to be "playing it cool". and i did not. not even close.

high school years, brought with it an incredibly emotional teenager. my mother and sister began calling me a "drama queen" which to this day i find extremely offensive. to me a drama queen lives for drama, is excited by drama and has a tendency to create drama around them. i have never felt like i have done this in my life... okay maybe a little bit. but when you are 16 doesn't everyone? it wasn't till somewhere in college that i figured out that i wasn't a 'drama queen' but someone who felt emotions seemingly deeper than the people around me and that i expressed these feelings at the same depth i felt them. which to the rest of the world might seem like it's being "overdone". but to me it was just the way i felt.

so as the years have passed. i've matured. had one breakdown. one failed marriage. off and on medication throughout these years because i don't have the money for it, because i think i can not take it, because i run out and i don't refill it, because lots of reasons. first let me say i was technically diagnosed with bi-polar after the breakdown. i, however, wonder the accuracy of this diagnosis. so here i am back in the battle of medication. my medication happens to be extremely expensive and does not have a generic to substitute for it. being unemployed and with out insurance, this posses as a bit of a problem. i've refilled it and paid for the scripts out of pocket since july. but some time ago, i ran out of refills and so now i would need to add in a very expensive doctors visit ontop of a pills i already can't afford. so i began the task of going off medication again. and these are the things i contemplate and know about myself that all play into my personal medication war.

one. i am a sensitive person. not in the sense that i get my feelings hurt easily. in the sense that every outside element that comes in effects me strongly. i am not just talking about emotions or situations. but medications too. from the time that i was a baby taking my shots. my mom said they had to split them in half because the result is that they would make me very sick. (a point that recently was brought up due Kristy's baby shot problems - but i'm not surprised in the least). but i've known for a very long time that medications that have hormones in them are even more effective to me. like "the pill" (taken for girly complicated things that i won't talk about on my blog. cuz... ewwww!) but we will say. it's not an option for me. i am so incredibly sensitive to the pill and it makes me so violently ill. that i would rather live in pain and misery than the side effects of that hormonal beast.

i am also sensitive to others emotions, as well. every time i go off and on the darn medication i pick another piece to how i work and what is different and what the meds do and what they don't. and have tried to piece these bits together little by little over time. one thing they do is numb out my ability to feel compassion for other people to level that i naturally tend to feel at. i think this can be good. and i think this can be bad. good: is that i have in my life, carried the hurt of the world upon my back. and the hurt of the world has drug me down to a place where i can't seem to function as times. i am not intended to do such. but bad: because i miss things i wouldn't off medications. prime example - driving downtown last week tom and i hit a toll both. i had to go to a cashier and she gave me change. i took in her eyes and the profound sadness they carried. and my heart was so heavily grieved for this woman. a stranger whom i wonder what has happened to her to make her look so sad. and i would have missed that if on medication. i would have been in my fake little sunshine world laughing with tom, but looked over this woman that i am sure literally thousands of people do a day.

this being sensitive to the world around me is a really big point for me. because i feel i was made more sensitive. that i observe things others often miss. that i can be empathetic when others cannot. i feel this is a part of who i am and how i was created and being on medication denys me this part of myself but also protects me from allowing it to consume me. however, this time i wonder if i might have found a balance for this off medication. because in the end, that is really what i need. a way to balance who i am without denying it and without being consumed by it.

lets go back to my little lady in the toll booth. in that moment, when my heart was instantly grieved for this lady, i looked over to tom and told him about it. how very sad i felt in that moment. and this is one way tom complements me so very well. i feel he understands this very sensitive part of me but at the same time is not a person with such strong emotion. so i can share my instant sadness. take a moment to send up a prayer, grieve for her. feel understood and comfortable enough to say what is on my heart to tom and then let it go. let it be and not carry it on. and this seems to be working.

I have also learned that things like eating right, getting enough sleep, and having daily exercise also are good tools to keep me in a more balanced state off medication.

other factors. my mom is very pro-medication. she is a mom and wants to fix everything. she also has been consumed in a culture of cancer and medication for a long time. and so she really just wants me to take medication and feel happy and good all the time. but the world isn't happy and good all the time and i think as a culture we run away from tears and grieving because we think of them as "bad".

i know that off medications. i cry a lot..... i mean a lot. lately, jaime's blogs having been taring me up (her mother recently passed away). a commercial. a movie. i can cry when i'm happy. like the Superbowl commercial where the two horses run off together. it's such a beautiful cute little story in a 60 sec commercial that moves me... and i cry. a piece of art work.

and this time with the waterfall of tears, i have found myself thinking why run away from this? why is crying thought of as so bad? it's not like i'm hysterical or crying for hours. usually just a minute or two. but our instinct is to not feel. to push it away, push it to the side. and not think about how a moment or a thing moves us. to move through life smoothly without complications- and tears and emotions can most definitely be complications. but the downside of this... this moving through the everyday without complication or rise is that it can make the day mundane. and we get so focused on doing the day that we forget the day. we are numbed by the repetition of the tasks. i feel like the sensitive part of me, makes me stop and see the extraordinary in the everyday. a stupid commercial that makes me think of a love that would not be bound by anything. a woman in a toll both with great sadness - that there is someone outside of myself. and when i look at it like this. it feels somewhat like a gift and a great responsibility. i have the ability to see something beautiful in the simplest of things. how extraordinary is that! but also, if you see something - you can not just pass it up and do nothing. and so there is also a great deal of responsibility. and i find myself writing lots of notes. and messages. and so forth. but i like that about me. my life goal is to love. to love others as the best i can. and so being more sensitive gives me more of an opportunity (when in balance) to love others betters, because i see things i would otherwise pass up.

and yet another factor. i could probably leave this part out, but it too plays heavily in the game. and i'm attempting to be open and honest about the war i find myself in. kids. i'm 28. and i have been made with what feels like a particularly strong "mother" jean. we will not go into the "this is not the right timing for kids" spiel. i'm aware. trust me. but the medication i would take i can not with the bearing of children. and so wanting children one day, i worry what if i can't go off the meds during that time. what if it keeps me from getting el preggo? it's a fear that plays in the back of my head. as i type it... i see the fear based reasoning. but it's a factor.

however, all is not great off meds. i'm not completely a super-being who is all loving and giving. *chuckles* oh no. this time i see a little clearer how i am also a little more unloving off meds too. i feel like i have a tendency to snap at things more - at people more. it's like something happens that i do not like, and my first reaction is a strong burst of anger that usually comes out in ugly words. and then i feel bad about it. i feel more annoyed with people when they do stupid things instead of forgiving. and this is something i have recognized THIS time more clearer. but i look back in life and see how it has been there all along. and this i do not like. this is a problem. this is something i am trying to wrap my head around on how to control and bring into balance. i haven't figured this one out yet. but it's definitely a factor for why staying on medication is good - i roll with the punches better.

yet another factor. is the diagnosis itself. i question if i'm bi-polar at all. i don't exactly fit the textbook qualifications. if anything, i am only slightly bi-polar. i have never had full blown mania. only really hypo-mania and only 'severish cases' rarely. i also cycle fast. like. many times in one day sometimes. or every couple days. so with these factors, i question the diagnosis. but then if not "bi-polar" what? i lean towards hormonal. :D it is purely a theory. but if i am just simply a sensitive person to all elements, then it would plausible that as my normal ole hormones shift and do their thing... so do i. with every chemical change, i react accordingly. it's a theory. but it fits better than "bi-polar". unfortunately, i think the only way to know for sure is to do lots of hormonal panel studies and look at the patterns from them along side the symptoms i record in a fun little calender. i would really like to do this. partially just to scratch the curiosity itch. but if this is the case... then are medications necessary to treat a "condition" i don't have? or would you use the same medications (because they do work) to treat the symptoms? it's an interesting question.

and so you have it. the big factors of the war inside. what is the right thing for me? to medicate or not? i don't know. it's a tricky balance. for now, i have the deal i always seem to have with myself when i go med-free. it's okay and acceptable until you see the signs that you are beginning to not function well on a day to day basis. and then you go back on. so far: i'm functioning fine. even getting up early and handling the bills and responsibilities in life better than usual. but i'm usually not unemployed either ;). and so the teetering balancing act continues.

Coffee - *insert some witty little tag line here*

Cuz i logged into the 'puter... and yahoo had a sneaky little tag line... "who beat starbucks in a taste test?". and of course, being 1. an avid fan of coffee and 2. loving all things starbucks had to know who could have possibly beat them?

now... i do love starbucks. end of story. but i - being severly unemployed and shortly a full time student - have no money for such luxeries. and so in times of great need, i have fallen back on my favorite cheap at home brew, Five o'clock Coffee. One day when i visited this episcopalian church in ludington where the congregation was all over 80 (which made me stick out like a sore thumb). i got into a conversation about coffee with a little old late and how i am fond of the five o'clock stuff. and she told me (in a nutshell and paraphrased) the stuff is older than sin. but i like it. it's particularly cheap when you buy the bag that has the $1 off coupon inside. and use that coupon to buy another bag, with another coupon!

so what do my eyes see when i follow the aforementioned link....
an article stating in a taste test of columbian brewed coffee, Five o'clock beat out everyone. starbucks, folgers, maxwell, duncan... EVERYONE. i do love my cheap little finds!

and hope this doesn't make them get a big head and raise the price. hmmm :

We Have A BED!!!!

it started really in July of 07. In the depths of heartache, i told the former husband we needed some space to figure stuff out and that i would move into the spare bedroom. The spare 'oom had no bed, but an old futon that was terribly uncomfortable. so much so, that i took the frame apart and slept on the futon mattress on the floor for a couple of months. and then, i moved out completely and slept on a friends futon... a little more comfortable but not great - until November. and then i moved to detroit, and got to sleep in a bed... a real live bed. It wasn't my bed and i long for my own things and my own place.

In like March of 08, i began sleeping in Southgate. and decided that i still needed my own place and my own bed. they were beds... but not MY bed.

and so in June, i officially got my very own apartment with a borrowed twin mattress that i got to sleep on the floor with. whoo! it wasn't much. but it was mine. and then the heavy traveling began with WLS... and i wasn't any place for longer than a couple days it seemed. my placee. his place. a hotel bed. until august of 08 when i got laid off. and then ....

october of 08 it was decided we move to alanta to help out with my sister. and we began sleeping on air mattress. at first it was an office with an air mattress in the middle of it. one that required being picked up everyday and everynight put back together. a pain in the @$$ and not really comfortable.

After christmas we finally rearranged our room and had a "bed space" that didn't require that we pick up our air mattress every day and it was better. but still not exactly comfortable sleeping. but yesterday. sweet, sweet yesterday...we borrowed a truck from my mom's friend and got the bed out of storage. my bed. a queen bed.

it's been a rough ride of sleeping arrangements over almost a two year span. and while it's not my bed with my things... it's still a bed. and if you've ever spent 4 months on an air mattress, you would know that it's a monumental feet of wonderfulness to have a bed. a real bed. i'm sitting on it blogging now. cuz i don't want to leave it's heavenly place.

it's a good day.

the Week Highlights in Pictures

Sooooo.... every family has it's nuancies and character traits as a whole. My family... particularly the role my papa plays in the family has an entertaining quality to it. he likes jokes. and he is known for "running to the store" (a tool store for sure) and actually going out for an hour or two for donuts and coffee, but of course he never says that's where he is headed too. He's the fella who buys every corney thing in the Cracker Barrel gift shop and giggles like a school boy when he plays a prank on someone. He's known for his infamous "he who smelt it dealt it" philosophy. He's favorite color is brown and his favorite publicaion is The Reader's Digest.

One year (i think it was 2002) after Christmas, everyone in the family started to recieving there very own year subscription to Reader's Digest. nothing was said... we all just started getting one out of nowhere. It was papa. Apparently, he got something in mail and decided since he loved it so much... we would all probably love it too. but he didn't tell anyone... he just sent them to us. He's that kinda guy.

This year... papa struck again. Two days ago, in the evening, a big ole box arrives. so we open it up and low and behold... we all (even tom) have snuggies. If you have not seen the mini-info Commerical you must. you really must. Basically it creates a problem and then solves it with the snuggie... it's info-merical awesome. I instantly began jumping up and down like a little kid yelling "there Snuggggies!!!!" I ran for the camera to document the momental occasion.

I think they look like something that Star Trek:New Generation would wear. or a little "monk-ish" all the same: how can you not love the randomness of the gift that comes from a fella like papa?

Yep. Tom was doing the robot here, actually we both were but somehow when my brain sent this message to my face it came out more "monster" than "robot"... so i edited myself out.

so tommy has become obsessed with Japanesse culture. the flame was ignited back in the fall when we went out for the last time with the Hattons to the Chinness Buffet. they have a sushi bar and i am quite fond of sushi. I encouraged tom to step out of his comfort zone and at the very least try a california roll. he did and found he kinda liked it. then when he started working at kroger not too long ago, he noticed that this store has a full time sushi guy and what he says "is the most amazing looking sushi". So that fanned the flame. This weekend all he could think about was sushi. so he began researching it wanting to know more about the art. and if you tom at all, you know that once he starts with the wiki, he just can't put it down. he'll follow link after link until he's absorbed everybit of info he can and usually ends up on some site that has NOTHING to do with what he started out as. and so this is how he came upon the "Bento". And so he decided that he wanted to take his lunch in a bento box japanese style. So he researched until he found a cost effective little bento box. A blog recommended one of the Ikea food savers. So on our trip downtown yesterday, we picked up aforementioned food saver a.k.a. Bento Box. This morning the man was so excited to use it and pack a lunch for himself at work. That i think he got up at 4 am (he had to be at work at 5:45) just to cook rice for his lunch so it could be a proper bento box. Part of the idea of the bento is that it is asthetically pleasing..... keep this in mind. he's was so cute (in a manly kinda cute way, of course) that i had to take pictures. come to find out... so did he! :D