This is "it".

for the last month or two, i've been thinking about happiness. and being happy despite the circumstances. i've thought out these long blogs in my head as i drive or take a shower. but, never actually sit down to write them. i had a blog in my head about what it really means to live in the grey. but i didn't write that one either. i think i might be the best non-blogger EVER! i should add THAT to my resume. *hmph* the problem is once i write all these "non-blogs" in my head, once i do sit down to write, I feel that I should write them. I mean, after all, they have been waiting their turn. But instead, I sit down to write, beside myself with emotion and can't think straight for anything to write any kind of intelligible blog. [i just reread that sentence "beside myself with emotion" and can hear lor giggling and jason making some sarcastic comment about how "what? does that mean you climbed out of yourself to sit next to yourself in emotion???" but hey, i'm leaving it in anyways ;)]

anyways, too much emotion to write a thoughtful blog and not simply a rant about how my life sucks. which i hate. but not sure how to stop. the truth is, i'm so miserable right now that i don't know if it's even possible for me not to be. or what that even begins to look like. miserable to the point that i don't even know the point of waking up every day is. because every day is the same horribleness. everyday is co-existing with people who merely tolerate me on a good day. and the bad days - oh my god - aren't blog appropriate. everyday is no job. Everyday is hunting for said job just to be told "the position has been filled" or simply hear nothing at all. every day's highlight is changing my facebook status to something pathetic or fronting optimism hoping i might believe it if i say it enough. and i'm just not quite sure the point anymore.

and now, i'm not sure what to say. i have no answers. i have no hope left. and i'm left frustrated and angry and sad and after months, hell - YEARS, of fighting, of hanging on "just a little bit longer", and telling myself it has to get better. I think very well the truth might be: this is it. there is no better.