If a blog can be a "get your thoughts out of your head and into space", can it also be begging forum to the unknown space for a job???? My unemployment is running out. The new claim is denied as expected and i believe i have 13 weeks of federal extension left (i'm not positive just gunna have to wait and see) - and then, i'm s.o.l.
it's hard for me to believe that i've been jobless so long. I find myself driving and thinking to myself, could it REALLY be over a year now??? and i find myself thinking i must have done something wrong. made some wrong choice. blew off some offer somewhere. but i haven't. nothing. there have been no offers. i have applied like gang-busters for a year and nothing. I went back to school to become more marketable. nothing. I really just don't know what I could do different. or why my life is taking this path.
Sometimes i lay in bed at night and wonder what i did wrong. or if i'm being cosmical punished for something. i haven't been perfect. but i don't think i've really done anything to warrant such a negative down turn of life. like a decade down turn???
I'm just getting to that point where i've just got nothing else to give. niceness seems gone. patience - gone. happiness - ha! that was gone LoooooooOOOOOooong ago. my grace for others is slipping. thoughtfulness just seem annoying.
anywho, if a blog can be a begging to cosmic web-gods for a job... this is mine. Ppppppplllllleeeeeaaaase. i'm a really good worker. i won't leave after 2 years. and i'm not always this much of a debbie-downer. i actually, once-upon-a-time, was considered a valuable asset to a company. and i will do good things for yours.
so my fingers are crossed in desperate act of begging for job - the schoolcraft one - it's my last good feeler out there.
and dinner is served... *sigh*
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thomas... the doubter
tonight was a dinner of parental meetings. my mom was in town and had the chance to meet tommy's 'rent's. all in all, i think it went well. My mom was raised Independent Baptist and now attends a non-denom via Southern Baptist and tommy's parents go to a former Southern Baptist now just a non-denom, as well. and it gave a foundation for them to connect on.
Two distinct low points in the dinner. Both centered around the tension between my mom and tommy.
One, my mother finished saying something and tommy started to change the subject and I interrupted him to ask a question that related to the mom's finished story. I said, "sorry to interrupt you.." and tommy, having worked all day and being on edge for several reason's responded in what I like to call "big brother antagonism" said, "actually you did mean to interrupt me..." but knowing tommy you know that the finish to that statement is that he didn't mind a bit that i interrupted him but needed to point out that I DID in fact, MEAN to interrupt him. (which i did, tis true) Like i said... "big brother antagonism". my mother, being my mother, felt the need to stick up for me and tell tommy that was not nice, at all. which created tension. because despite what my mother says, i'm pretty sure she is not the fondest of my chosen mate. i'm also pretty sure that there isn't anyone who walks this earth that w o u l d qualify.
two, one story led to another story and the next thing you know, tommy is telling one of his pet peeve stories about a woman who lost a glove in a parking lot where he was working. The woman called and asked if it had been found, in which, it had. The woman then was extremely happy and stated she had prayed that God would help her find her glove and he did. This annoys tommy to no end because of what it says about God. That while children die of starvation or disease (just pick one) and parents pray while they are blue in the face and God does not answer their prayers or save them. BUT God does help crazy middle age ladies find gloves they lost. And from there we got a miniature sermon on why God answers one prayer and not others. And the message made clear on how my mum disagrees with the theology of said chosen mate. tension.
it really all boils down to misunderstanding.
But it brought up once again a reoccurring theme with tommy, me, God, and other peoples opinions. I would say the consensus of other peoples opinions is that tommy and probably myself are far from the beaten path of faith and to put it nicely, f-ed in the head when it comes to theology. I am far less vocal than tommy, so unfortunately, he takes the brunt of criticism from family. But the truth of it is thomas, true to his Biblical namesake, is a doubter. a questioner. a person who wants to ask questions until he finds the answer and if he can't find the answer - try and make you ask the question too. It is something I adore about him and also share with him.
After leaving the cult and a time of life where i accepted everything without question, I have become far less trusting and much more of an independent thinker. Tommy has only furthered my own personal question asking journey. Like seriously, how is it that the God of the old testament is so different from the one of the new? or how come God let Job suffer for a bet like he was just an evening at the casino? or why is it I get the crap end of the stick while some other smuck sits on their butt and everything works out their way? or we accept Ester as part of the Bible which doesn't mention God ONCE, but if a Christian does the same - they are a heathen? What if the old testament stories didn't happen... what if they are just lessons? Why does the christian community shame a couple like tommy and I living together, but if we were married be okay with it? (Because technically the Bible says that since i'm divorced... remarried or not, we're both sinning) The questions, the discrepancies between one principle that is held up and the next that isn't in the church, it's kind of disgusting. and i really get why people wouldn't want to be Christians or go to church. Cuz it's kind of a mess. A big ugly confusing mudpile of woodstock proportion M E S S.
But here's the kicker. at the end of the day, tommy and I are still believers. we still believe in God. we have experienced things in this life that are unexplained by rational or even words. We just ask the questions and search for the answers and wait. and wait. and wait. And in the case of tommy, he likes to make you ask the questions too. And the more I live, the more I don't understand. And the less I have some black and white rule book in the Bible that has "all the answers" like I thought when i was kid. Cuz it doesn't. BUT I"M OKAY WITH THAT. and i'm okay with the fact that i don't get it. well... "okay" maybe a REALLY big picture feeling. cuz right now, i'd say my mood ring is more on the "frustrated to angry" color. But that's okay too.
What's frustrating is people like my mom who pass judgement on those that are willing to ask the questions. To hunt the answers down for themselves till it makes sense. Or simply waits in frustration in some spiritual eye blinking contest. After all, if your God isn't big enough to handle a few questions, a few angry sobs, and a stand your ground tug of war contest... then maybe he shouldn't be your God.
Two distinct low points in the dinner. Both centered around the tension between my mom and tommy.
One, my mother finished saying something and tommy started to change the subject and I interrupted him to ask a question that related to the mom's finished story. I said, "sorry to interrupt you.." and tommy, having worked all day and being on edge for several reason's responded in what I like to call "big brother antagonism" said, "actually you did mean to interrupt me..." but knowing tommy you know that the finish to that statement is that he didn't mind a bit that i interrupted him but needed to point out that I DID in fact, MEAN to interrupt him. (which i did, tis true) Like i said... "big brother antagonism". my mother, being my mother, felt the need to stick up for me and tell tommy that was not nice, at all. which created tension. because despite what my mother says, i'm pretty sure she is not the fondest of my chosen mate. i'm also pretty sure that there isn't anyone who walks this earth that w o u l d qualify.
two, one story led to another story and the next thing you know, tommy is telling one of his pet peeve stories about a woman who lost a glove in a parking lot where he was working. The woman called and asked if it had been found, in which, it had. The woman then was extremely happy and stated she had prayed that God would help her find her glove and he did. This annoys tommy to no end because of what it says about God. That while children die of starvation or disease (just pick one) and parents pray while they are blue in the face and God does not answer their prayers or save them. BUT God does help crazy middle age ladies find gloves they lost. And from there we got a miniature sermon on why God answers one prayer and not others. And the message made clear on how my mum disagrees with the theology of said chosen mate. tension.
it really all boils down to misunderstanding.
But it brought up once again a reoccurring theme with tommy, me, God, and other peoples opinions. I would say the consensus of other peoples opinions is that tommy and probably myself are far from the beaten path of faith and to put it nicely, f-ed in the head when it comes to theology. I am far less vocal than tommy, so unfortunately, he takes the brunt of criticism from family. But the truth of it is thomas, true to his Biblical namesake, is a doubter. a questioner. a person who wants to ask questions until he finds the answer and if he can't find the answer - try and make you ask the question too. It is something I adore about him and also share with him.
After leaving the cult and a time of life where i accepted everything without question, I have become far less trusting and much more of an independent thinker. Tommy has only furthered my own personal question asking journey. Like seriously, how is it that the God of the old testament is so different from the one of the new? or how come God let Job suffer for a bet like he was just an evening at the casino? or why is it I get the crap end of the stick while some other smuck sits on their butt and everything works out their way? or we accept Ester as part of the Bible which doesn't mention God ONCE, but if a Christian does the same - they are a heathen? What if the old testament stories didn't happen... what if they are just lessons? Why does the christian community shame a couple like tommy and I living together, but if we were married be okay with it? (Because technically the Bible says that since i'm divorced... remarried or not, we're both sinning) The questions, the discrepancies between one principle that is held up and the next that isn't in the church, it's kind of disgusting. and i really get why people wouldn't want to be Christians or go to church. Cuz it's kind of a mess. A big ugly confusing mudpile of woodstock proportion M E S S.
But here's the kicker. at the end of the day, tommy and I are still believers. we still believe in God. we have experienced things in this life that are unexplained by rational or even words. We just ask the questions and search for the answers and wait. and wait. and wait. And in the case of tommy, he likes to make you ask the questions too. And the more I live, the more I don't understand. And the less I have some black and white rule book in the Bible that has "all the answers" like I thought when i was kid. Cuz it doesn't. BUT I"M OKAY WITH THAT. and i'm okay with the fact that i don't get it. well... "okay" maybe a REALLY big picture feeling. cuz right now, i'd say my mood ring is more on the "frustrated to angry" color. But that's okay too.
What's frustrating is people like my mom who pass judgement on those that are willing to ask the questions. To hunt the answers down for themselves till it makes sense. Or simply waits in frustration in some spiritual eye blinking contest. After all, if your God isn't big enough to handle a few questions, a few angry sobs, and a stand your ground tug of war contest... then maybe he shouldn't be your God.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Hope for the Hopeless ???
ever want to just crap on hope? or imagine a pie hitting happy people? or take weird comfort when the sweetest people post their fb status as grumpy?
I laid down to take a nap yesterday and overheard part of a conversation begun by the youngest Benson. It started with "i think we should all read Job". Which began an interesting talk about the life of Job and how things are difficult now but how God is teaching us something. Like to appreciate the good things we have or how good it's been up until now. And I fell asleep thinking of Job and such thoughts.
It's not the first time i've thought of Job. i don't believe it's even the first time i've blogged about such. When I was a child, all things bible and God were banned in our house and so my mother creatively told us "stories" that I would later find out were simply Bible stories. And Job was a favorite. I don't know if she told it often because life with my dad was so repressive or because we asked for it. But it's the one story that I remember her telling a lot on car rides across town. It's a story i'm quite familiar with.
In high school, just a few years younger than youngest Benson, I attempted to read Job. I've attempted or completed reading it many times actually. Because when you've had as "bumpy" of a life as mine, you cling to the story of the person with the crap life that eventually gets redeemed, right? But as I lay there it seems, God felt like placing a bet with his archenemies and he thought Job was a good bet. So life craps on Job and when Job has nothing left, finally Job gives up and then God yells at Job for not having enough faith and for complaining and reminding Job that God is in control of everything and then he gives back to Job 10-fold.
So the point is God's a betting man? He likes to play games with your life? He'll take everything away because he can and if you suffer well then he'll give it back 10-fold? All my life i excepted these lessons as acceptable. the way it all just works. but after all these years of life crapping on me, it just doesn't seem acceptable anymore. I mean, seriously??? this is what we get? needless to say i'm not okay with it. If this is the way it works - the way sucks.
And then I feel guilty for thinking that, and feel the strange need to look over my shoulder to check and see if lightening is gunna strike. But at the same time, I challenge it. a rebellion against the status quo - what would happen God actually did strike? to a certain degree, I do think I would welcome that. Because maybe then we skip the all the politeness and christennese dance and I could just have the truth right there - untampered by belief systems and religious secs, and humans who think they get it. or He would just put me out of my misery which doesn't seem like a bad option at all. I think it could be a win-win situation. At the very least a break in the mind-numbing day to day of nothingness which takes form in job hunting, packing, cleaning and trying to fit with a people who seem oblivious to the fact i'm busting my arse to fit.
so i know i'm a real debbie downer. it's just that i've been holding out hope for sooooooo long it's gunna turn around, that it will get better, that tomorrow is one more step toward the life I desire. and it doesn't. just when it looks like it's gunna get better - something super crappy happens. what is the proverb - unfulfilled hope makes the heart sick? something like that. too bad there's no follow up verse on how to avoid such unfulfilled hope.
So i used to think I was a nice person, but i seriously doubt it these days. I don't think a nice person hates happy people. but I just can't seem to help myself. it just happens all the same.
and my one bit of hope - the State Farm lady called asked a BUNCH of questions and then told me she was going to refund my deductible. in which i told her that i loved her and started crying. i think she thought I was crazy. and i'm trying to think how this is a good thing. a happy thing. a sign for better days. but truth be told i'm incredibly skeptical - just waiting for the next shoe to drop full of crap. so, we'll see. as for Job - i'm still waiting and holding out hope that someone wrote the story wrong and that God will show up pissed that someone on the writing staff took too much creative liberty and hand us a copy of the unedited version of Job along with never before seen authors notes explaining stuff.
I laid down to take a nap yesterday and overheard part of a conversation begun by the youngest Benson. It started with "i think we should all read Job". Which began an interesting talk about the life of Job and how things are difficult now but how God is teaching us something. Like to appreciate the good things we have or how good it's been up until now. And I fell asleep thinking of Job and such thoughts.
It's not the first time i've thought of Job. i don't believe it's even the first time i've blogged about such. When I was a child, all things bible and God were banned in our house and so my mother creatively told us "stories" that I would later find out were simply Bible stories. And Job was a favorite. I don't know if she told it often because life with my dad was so repressive or because we asked for it. But it's the one story that I remember her telling a lot on car rides across town. It's a story i'm quite familiar with.
In high school, just a few years younger than youngest Benson, I attempted to read Job. I've attempted or completed reading it many times actually. Because when you've had as "bumpy" of a life as mine, you cling to the story of the person with the crap life that eventually gets redeemed, right? But as I lay there it seems, God felt like placing a bet with his archenemies and he thought Job was a good bet. So life craps on Job and when Job has nothing left, finally Job gives up and then God yells at Job for not having enough faith and for complaining and reminding Job that God is in control of everything and then he gives back to Job 10-fold.
So the point is God's a betting man? He likes to play games with your life? He'll take everything away because he can and if you suffer well then he'll give it back 10-fold? All my life i excepted these lessons as acceptable. the way it all just works. but after all these years of life crapping on me, it just doesn't seem acceptable anymore. I mean, seriously??? this is what we get? needless to say i'm not okay with it. If this is the way it works - the way sucks.
And then I feel guilty for thinking that, and feel the strange need to look over my shoulder to check and see if lightening is gunna strike. But at the same time, I challenge it. a rebellion against the status quo - what would happen God actually did strike? to a certain degree, I do think I would welcome that. Because maybe then we skip the all the politeness and christennese dance and I could just have the truth right there - untampered by belief systems and religious secs, and humans who think they get it. or He would just put me out of my misery which doesn't seem like a bad option at all. I think it could be a win-win situation. At the very least a break in the mind-numbing day to day of nothingness which takes form in job hunting, packing, cleaning and trying to fit with a people who seem oblivious to the fact i'm busting my arse to fit.
so i know i'm a real debbie downer. it's just that i've been holding out hope for sooooooo long it's gunna turn around, that it will get better, that tomorrow is one more step toward the life I desire. and it doesn't. just when it looks like it's gunna get better - something super crappy happens. what is the proverb - unfulfilled hope makes the heart sick? something like that. too bad there's no follow up verse on how to avoid such unfulfilled hope.
So i used to think I was a nice person, but i seriously doubt it these days. I don't think a nice person hates happy people. but I just can't seem to help myself. it just happens all the same.
and my one bit of hope - the State Farm lady called asked a BUNCH of questions and then told me she was going to refund my deductible. in which i told her that i loved her and started crying. i think she thought I was crazy. and i'm trying to think how this is a good thing. a happy thing. a sign for better days. but truth be told i'm incredibly skeptical - just waiting for the next shoe to drop full of crap. so, we'll see. as for Job - i'm still waiting and holding out hope that someone wrote the story wrong and that God will show up pissed that someone on the writing staff took too much creative liberty and hand us a copy of the unedited version of Job along with never before seen authors notes explaining stuff.
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