A whirlwind of a week

so here we are, tuesday... already. and ahead of me is one very crazy and packed week. i'm back in detroit and my visit to atlanta was life changing. it was good. it was bad. it was a many many things but i made some pretty big decisions while i was there. the number one - was to move to atlanta to help my mom out, to get to know my family again (it's been 8 years since i've lived near them) and to love on my sister. this was not an easy or quick decision made. there has been so much talk, so much meditating, so much thought put behind it. lists of pros and cons made and what it all really means.

but this is what i know without a shadow of a doubt. that family comes first. that you take care of your family at all cost no matter what your or who your family looks like or is. and that this was the first time in my entire life that my mother called me to come and help her with my sister. that standing in the emergency room with my mother outside my sisters door and looking into her worn and weary eyes and realizing that she's given all she can give and she is asking for help - not just for a week or two.... but HELP. i've realized that my family has seen me evolve over the last 8 years from a distance and we have stayed in contact via the phone (at least me and my mom) but that there is much that a phone conversation or holiday visits don't convey. there is much they don't see or realize about me and me about them. that in reality my sister and i, the girl i used to protect from my dad, have lost each other. that her illness has kept her in a bed and hermit like and too sick to know me at all.. and me to know her. this is something that has grieved me a long time.

and then, i also know that i have no job. i have been looking here and applied few places as there isn't much to even apply to. or what is.. just doesn't pay enough to even cover my bills. my bills that i've even lowered over the last several months by several hundred dollars. and i know that the job economy is so much better in atlanta. 1. in job availiablity and 2. in the wages being paid for those jobs. i know cuz i've applied for about 50 of them. getting one potential bite... we will see (fingers crossed it's something good).

and thus, these are the two largest driving motivations behind this decision. there are a ton of small little things, as is with anything. pros and cons. advantages and disadvantages. benifits and then again huge scarifices. but in the end, this is the undeniable open door that has presented iteself that i am saying yes... i will walk through you.

in addition, there is thomas. my dear sweet thomas who has never lived more than 30 miles from the place he was born. he has become over the months the other half of me. and seperation by 800 miles would be unbearable. not to mention, he has been effected by the job economy in detroit for over a year now. and so, he will join me in my move to the south. i can not tell you how much this means to me. that i do not have to walk this road alone and get to be accompained by my best friend. that i have found a person in my life commited to doing what is right even in the mist of huge sacrifice. that he takes on the responsibilty and the duty of my family as his own with love and care as if it were his own family. it need not even be said how radically different this is for me. coming from a relationship in which i spent one christmas with my family in a three year span. the only time, aside from my wedding, that we were around my family at all.

and so, this week will be and already is a whirlwind. we arrived late last night in detroit with about one week to pack up and move out. attempting to get back to atlanta as soon as possible for a multitude of reasons. to not pay out any more rent between our two places as possible which limits the money that is going out... considering we have my unemployement as the only source of income. to get jobs as soon as possible to get money coming in. and to be there for my family as my mom has classes starting back up the end of this week. it's a lot. it's heavy. so much to do and so litttle time.

the hardest thing is saying goodbye to all we love. i love detroit. i have found a family apart from blood in this town and leaving when it seems i JUST got back is hard. a luxury i am scarificing now for a period of time. i know that it won't be forever. i will be back to live. but for the next year, maybe two... my life lies in all the above things. there will be visists. this time will be different. not so far apart and not so short and i am going to do my darndest my freaking darndeest to stay in touch with everyone long distance. and to not do such a crappy job of staying in touch like the last time i left. and so. as i get a little emotional.. the real world calls me to do the real job of a butt-load of packing.

an overdue atlanta post

i've started an updating post a couple times now, over the last couple days... but.. didn't get farther than the title before i was interrupted or lost interest... so. here is another attempt. and so far, i've gotten farther than the title so i must be on a role.

so erin, my sister is out of the hospital. we had a bit of a scare on thursday night with her blood sugar dropping super low and a very green nurse not knowing how to adminster the glucose shot. so not cool. scared the crap out of me.

then my mom got erin out of the hospital on saturday morning and by saturday night we were back in the emergency room. they ran all the normal tests, gave fluids, gave mega drugs and then said there was no medical reason to admit her even though she was visibly sick... so they sent us home.

and we have been home since. all of this such a nut shell version of the events. it's been a pretty emotional rollercoaster. what i do know is that my mom is a very tired lady. having lived here and taken care of my sister for sooooooooooo oooooo oooooo many years alone, she's hitting her limit of what she can do. and that has led me to seriously question my part in this whole thing. i moved to detroit about 6 months before my mom and sister moved to atlanta. i went to school. fell in love with detroit. met so many cool people that essentially became my family away from my family and i have now lived almost 10 years away from my mom and sister. comin back for holidays and vacations for visists. my mom has always done well handling things. always managed to happily juggle everything and completely earned the award for the most amazing mom ever. i never felt like i was needed per say. i was always welcomed to move to atlanta and my mom has always said she would love to be near me again. but i never felt led to move per say. until now.

now my mom is tired. and visibly needs some help. if not help, just support. and so here i am now looking for jobs in atlanta. thomas is here too. giving me support and looking to move as well. the job economy has been so rough in detroit and with both of us jobless and a very big need arising in my family... we are seeing what we can do. so that is the scoop. it's been a little tryin. and a lot of questions.. are we doing the right thing? what is right? it's just such a big step... especially after i JUST moved from ludington. but alas, family is family and i believe that you take care of your family.

The Ride in Music Reflections

We had the Phoenix trip recapped in pictures - made up pictures at that. and now we have Atlanta brought to you in songs heard on the radio and the rambling memories they brought. We have the top 9 songs of the trip countdown (because 10 is over-rated):

9. Phil Collins - Paradise

First of all i have an undying love for Phil Collins.. how can you not love man? Second, i have an undying love for Phil Collins.

8. Tom Petty - I Won't Back down

Tom Petty brings me to the last quarter at Cedarville with my ladies. It was Ms. Gina that introduced me to Live and Tom Petty and we must of listened to Mary Jane a million times as we drove between Xenia and the 'ville. Since then "T.P." has always had a special part in my heart.

7. Semisonic - Closing Time

The song came out the year before i graduated high school and this particular day on the radio on, once again, a drive between Xenia and the 'ville with my first roommate of the 'ville experience. I had an extremely difficult time adjusting to life at the ville and being so far away from home. It was fall and i remember staring out the window getting lost in the passing trees and really listening to the lyrics hoping that they were true. that as one door closed another would open and that i would soon find my place at Cedarville and college and life. I did eventually. But the song brought back that seemingly innocent drive (and it was) that day.

6. Nelly Furtado - I'm Like a Bird

I was first introduced to Nelly by Shinn. I think it was one of the many occasions while i lived with the cult that he called and said. I'm coming over in 5 min be ready. and we went up to a Billy T's. [apparently doing homework on friday night was unacceptable to him.] We were drivin back from the event, i feeling particularly low... who knows why - probalby a result of one of my most recent stupid decisions. and he popped in his new Nelly Furtado cd. i was captivated. when he dropped me off, i borrowed the cd and sat in my room listening to it over and over and reading the lyrics to soak it all up. i loved it. loved it.

5. Marcy Playground - Sex & Candy

ohh high school, i remember driving around in leona's car and singing at the top of our lungs. driving the drag! ha! for those not familar with my "high school drag" it was sonic, down one of the main roads to main street, turning around in the gas station and then back... like a 4 mile one stop light drag. small life i'm telling you.

4. Journey - Separate Ways

love journey ... how can you not! Lordy i'm a product of the 80's i tell you. I went and saw them in concert with a large cult group including the bests it was great. We listened to the CD all the way to Pine Knob and pretty much got a contact high from the pot being smoked around us. such good times.

3. Heart - All i Wanna do Is Make love to You

again. love heart. and again... a reminder of the Cedarville days. The second roomie of the year loved heart and introduced me to the group. We used to crank it in the dorm and dance around. This one was one of my favorites and as i left the 'ville to go back home i made a mix tape of all the great songs that defined my time there. This was one of them. It's not played on the radio often...so a real jem when i happened across it on the drive to Atlanta.

2. Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel

This one might be cheating a little bit. All the other songs were on the radio and complete happenstance. Where as, this one... was on a cd i brought with me. But i am soooo loving this song these days. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, i am determined to memorize the darn thing. i love songs with lots of lyrics and the sound of the song is great... i must have listened to this song 30 times, easy in the last 48 hours. i just keep going over and over it and it never gets old. I don't know why some songs are that way. Another one of those was, Matchbox 20's, Unwell which also got played 30 or more times on a former trip to Atlanta.

and now... without further adieu...

1. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

it's classic. bottom line. but the memory attached was one recently formed within the last year. On my last trip to Atlanta back in March, i gave a ride back to my very proper Aunt to detroit. I love my aunt to pieces as we are much alike. But she is slightly on the proper side. and i was playing through my mp3 music and on comes Bohemian Rhapsody.. and we drove along singing together at the top of our lungs and as loud as the radio would go... "Mama... i just killed a man... " an awesome memory.

In Atlanta

i had this great post that i formed in my head as i was driving.. and i may still do it. but right now, i just don't have the energy. i sat at the hospital all day. i took a nap and did nothing and yet i am exhausted.

here is a picture of harp that makes me smile. she is laying her head on my lap in the car on the drive down. she's my sweet girl.

Preparing to Leave Again

My sister intially went into the hospital because she was dehydrated as a complication to not being able to keep anything down. They admitted for the week to 1.) figure out why she was so sick and not able to keep food or water in and 2.) to rehydrate her after a long stint of not being able to do so. Once this was accomplished she was released on Friday.

By Friday afternoon, she was having terrible leg cramps and charlie horses mostly in her legs, but effecting her entire body... including her head. Who know a head could have muscle spasms? She was readmitted to the hospital- actually ICU - this time because once she arrived at the hospital she was "DKA". Diabetic Ketoacidosis. They put her on an i.v. of insulin to try and regulate her. Yesterday afternoon she was moved from ICU to a regular room and awaiting news on what comes next. Today she still has muscle spasms which no one yet seems to know why.

And thus, with this going on and my mom continuing to teach classes and attempt to work on her Doctoral Thesis, she has asked me to come down and help. So tomorrow in the morning i leave for yet another trip away from home. I am not expected to return until Oct.

So today, is preparing for this. *sigh* i feel like i am always leaving these days.

meh

I am cranky tonight.

so take that.

Views on the Ride and a failed Hike

So on my drive, i passed some cool things and used my handy little phone to document my trip.... visually. preparing for this post. so i get home (i'm back in Michigan now) . and go to upload my pictures, and BAM! they are deleted. long story short my "synchornizing" settings deleted them upon impact. they never had a chance. sooo i have searched the web and done my best to recreate my ride in picture form. all pictures are stolen and chosen because they were the closest thing i could find to the ACTUAL pictures i once had. so enjoy. the trip in images.

I know. it's a well known image... the arch in St. Louis. my picture was similar... a rainy day and blue tones. super cool.







Everyone knows that i hate Oklahoma. However, there were these fields of giant windmills. it was a particularly striking image. completely flat land with towering beasts churning away.





In Oklahoma City i picked up I-40. And i traveled it for 852 miles. Going through Amarillo, and across the entire state of New Mexico. This is the scenary the entire drive. Very typical Southwest look, but when you are ACTUALLY driving through these bad boys you feel amazingly small. totally surreal.















Moby got sick on the last day of travel. We had to stop a lot and i took pity on him and let him sit in my lap while i drove. He was pretty pathetic.










So the highlight of my drive was passing the BBC election 08 bus. I know this sounds completely retarded but - one. British people are cool. and two. i have been completely sucked into the presidential race like never before. who knows why. maybe cuz i'm older. maybe because thomas is more into politics so we talk a lot about it. or maybe because this is the FIRST time since i was born that my birthday falls on election tuesday on a presidential election year. I was born the day Reagan was voted into office. anyways. it kicked butt that i saw them.



So it gets a little silly about now. S & B convinced me we should go hiking. and this sounded like a great idea since i had sat for three days straight in a car and added countless pounds since i had eaten crap food, as well. This is the "small" mountain that was to be the "prep" climb to a planned trip up Camelback - a serious hike... and um. needless to say... i didn't even make it to the top... but they did! goooo them!

Um... ya... below... that is camelback. big.




like i said. i did NOT make it to the top of Thunderbird Mountain. the mountain that was suppose to be a 20 min hike up and 20 min down. i don't know if i was out of shape. (probably). or the heat (105 degress that day). the altitude... um it was high and the air was thin. all i know is my body protested... BIG. the REALLY discouraging thing, was that 5 minutes after i told B&S to go ahead without me... i would wait for them right where i was.... i kid you not... a 7 month prego lady RUNS up the mountain. boy did i ever feel like i sucked.

and this concludes the tour.

bumps in the road

i have safely arrived in phoenix, arizona. tired and quite simply exhausted from three days of driving... i pretty much collapsed. i did, however, have a few interesting little stories of complications on my little journey.

it first started with the hated state of oklahoma. anyone who knows me knows that being from texas it is inbred in me to hate oklahoma. its a football thing. so as i travel this horrible state of flatness and desolateness and network of horrible toll roads with no exits... i come across the 19th toll of the day. having the foresight of this already, i have been saving and collecting my small bills and change. Hoooowever... i come to this last toll and i am out of change. i need $1.00 and i have $.80. There are two toll booths... but no people. to "accomodate" this situation the "great" state has decided to put change machines infront of the toll collecting booth so you can make change. however, on this day... their lousy machine is not working. now tell me what do YOU do.. when you have no money, are on a toll, the equipment is working and there are cars piling up behind you honking in anger when you are faced with sitting at a toll for the rest of your life or going forward and breaking a law???? what i did, was panic and start through anything i could at the darn machine... okay not anything... but pennies. hoping it toooo might malfunction and decided to count them towards the $.80 i had already dumped in there. and then, in a moment of desperation my eye caught a phone number on the machine... and i called it. telling them my situation, and that i had no idea what to do. so in case you ever find yourself in this situation... this is what you do. you call the number. you give them the number of the machine. you write the number down so you can call them the next day and figure out how to pay your toll. it only reinforced my thoughts and feelings on how horrible oklahoma is.

the next day, friday morning i wake. and find myself depleted of cash from two days of travel and tolls. so i do what any normal person does and goes to the first atm i can find, disregarding any fees and attempt to get cash. and the stupid thing ATE my atm card. so i calm myself, walk into the bank hoping they can just open the little machine and give me back my atm card. and the woman inside informs me that 1) they do not have a key... a seperate company manages the machine 2.) the company will not be there till late in the day and 3.) the likelyhood of my card NOT being shredded is pretty much slim to none. so here i am, in amarillo. no cash. about 800 miles from phoenix. 1200 miles from home with no cash. and facing a drive through the desert with pretty much one city between there and flagstaff - 600 miles away. yep. i needed cash. luckily, i had grabbed my checkbook just "incase" i might need it. and i needed it. the bank was nice enough to cash me a check for cash and get me back on the road with lots of apologies. i still have to call my bank, cancel my debit card and order a new one which will take a couple weeks to get. but at least i was able to get back on the road with only an hour and half delay.

but THEN i realized i had left my phone charger in the hotel and that i would HAVE to go back for it. yuck. pretty much at this point i was thinking texas MUST be taking revenge on me for having left its borders. it was punshment for leaving and moving north.

and then back on the road, getting on the exit to the great I-40 which i drove for over 800 miles across the country... a stupid texan driver STOPS on the entrance ramp. WHAT?!?!!?!? she stops. doesn't merge and waits for the traffic to clear. by this time, i was so ready to leave texas it wasn't funny.

all things considered - it was a good trip. i saw a huge part of our country. was exposed to lots of radio talk shows and small town americas opinions on the political race. and have a great story when i'm 80 years old and rocking on the porch to tell my grandkids about the time i drove over 2,000 miles across the country by myself.

A Language of Being

so, as these things go... in a flash i am on my way to phoenix, az. driving 2,000 + miles in the course of 2 and 1/2 - 3 days to deliver the friends pup - the great mob-ster. this is day 3 of my trip as i blog from Amarillo, TX. (go texas). so much driving has given me time to think and drive and listen to sub-par books on tape.

on Wednesday evening, i found myself wishing i had chosen to bring my serious read "Soul Mate" by Thomas Moore instead of my silly read... "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - 2". "Soul Mate" sounds like a title of book that goes with a mushy read of flowers an fluff. This is not, however, what this books hold. It's the follow up book to "Care of the Soul" and speaks about the language of the soul particular in relationship... and not mushy relationships but just relationships of all kinds. It is filled with lots of mystic language, because after all - a soul IS a difficulty thing to put into words. There seems to be lots of greek myths mentioned... needless it's a bit interesting.

but i found myself wanting to read this as i drove, because the soul is a funny thing. i mean it completely has NO brain. it can not be reasoned with. its just this essence that seems to flow from you and you get feelings but there is no words for them... they just come. sometimes you get images or remember things, and your mind says to you... "why are you feeling THIS about THAT??? we've already worked through THAT and you are over it." but your soul is like "whateva whateva... i'll do what i want". (ha!) and all you can do, like a child that just won't cooperate is let the soul sit and flow until it lines up with your mind. and occasionally shake your head at the ridiculousness of what it wants to hash up.

road trips are good for soul flowing, i think. because you drive, you physically are "flowing" down the road. a song comes on that triggers a thought a memory... you feel it and then move on to the next spontaneous thing that bubbles it up. in the course of a normal day, life just gets to busy to deal with all these little spontaneous thoughts. so we have the tendency to push them aside, shove them down, not take the time to think about them (at least i am guilty of this) and go along our day because there are just things we have to do. and i think sometimes, our soul gets full and it overflows with life unprocessed and if not processed will just make us sick. i think i've gotten there recently. and so this trip has been good for me. i can't even tell you what i've thought about... because it happens in a glimpse, it a split of a second. an indescribable feeling that you feel that has no rational thought. all i know is that at the end of a long road trip like this one... i just feel better. i feel lighter. i feel fresher. it is the mystery of the soul... a language of being.


Random fact: a paper less crayon can only bare 4 lbs of weight before it will snap... but a papered crayon (with wrapper) can bare up to 8 lbs before snapping.