the ecclesiasties* of my life?

i was officially hired by someone. Thursday i begin working at New York and Co. doing the "holiday help" thing. It's part time. IF i'm a rock star, I might get 20 hours. Otherwise, i'm looking at 0-15. Part of me is looking forward to it. It's SOMETHING. it's anything apart from doing nothing all day long. And maybe it will be fun. However, it doesn't even come close to meeting the financial obligations i have.

I had another interview at Bath and Body Works today. In said interview, the manager said it was again "holiday help" and that we could expect 3 to 5 hours a week. WHAT?!?! i'm trying to make a living! at this rate i'm going to need not two jobs, but 10!

I suppose when all is said and done. tommy will have two jobs. He worked 57 hours last week. Which is a blessing and, of course, a curse. We need the work. We need the money. But he's so tired and we get very few precious hours together. And I will have one retail job and hopefully a second job of some sorts. We have the one car. and minimal bills. and yet. we will work long hard hours. for little pay. not seeing each other much. juggling schedules. and i really find myself feeling depressed and wondering what is the point?

why do we do all of this? how did we get here? and who did i piss off so i could gravel at their feet to fix it? it just seems so very meaningless. and i know i'm not the only one in this place. but i wish i had an answer. i feel like my life got hit by a 2 x 4 back to negative square one, and i didn't see it coming and i just don't understand. and i don't know the point.

Time to go pick up my big ole bear ;)






*I know i spelt that wrong. but you get the point.

in the words of....

sometimes you hear a song or watch a show or read a blip and all of a sudden you can't breath becuase in that instant whatever you just heard put words to the place you are, the thoughts you've had, or the feelings you just don't seem to be able to express any other way. I had a couple of those moments in the last couple of days and so... here they are.

the song playing as i waited for my interview at NY & Co.:
She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singin' this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon,
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord, come through
We're gonna get there soon
[Chorus:]Oh it's your light,
Oh it's your way,
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin' out now
From so far away...
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin' down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon,
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room,
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon
[Chorus:]Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin' out now
From so far away...Pull me closer to love
Closer to love'
Cause you are all that I've waited for
All of my life (We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited for
All of my life
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Pull me closer to love
Closer to love, oh no
Closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love

Two scenes from Grey Anatmony this week. and while they aren't the exact issues i face. i must say it captured the way i feel. ooooh my theraputic greys'.

Callie: ...You should have adjusted by now. i mean you are supposed to love me no matter what. that's what a parent does.
Her Dad: i love you with all my heart, but with all that's going on with you right now. I'm scared for you. Its an abomination. Its an eternity in hell.
The Priest: Let's not start with words like "hell".
Callie: OH. that's why you flew 3,000 miles??? to tell me i was going to Hell?!? I thought you came here to apologize.
Her Dad: I cant' apologize Callie. I don't understnad what happened or where I went wrong.
Callie: Where you went "wrong"?
Her Dad: (pulls paper out) Leviticus, "Thou shalt not lie with a man as one does with a female..."
Callie: Oh don't do that...
Her Father: ... "it is an abomination"....
Callie:... don't quote the Bible at me....
Her Father: ..."the outcry of Sodom & Gamora is great" and there is this, "it is exceedingly grave"...
The Priest: Carlos, this is not what we....
Callie: JESUS. "a new commandment that i give unto you that you love one another."
Her Dad: ROMANS. "we know that..."
Callie: JESUS. "to he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."
Her Dad: so you admit that it's a sin?
Callie: "Blessed are the mercyful for they shall obtain mercy". JESUS. "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God". JESUS. "Blessed are those who have been persecuted fro righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Jesus is my savior daddy, not you. and Jesus would be ashamed of you for judging me. He would be ashamed of you for turning your back on me. He would be ashamed.

and the second scene from greys.....

Mer: Christina?
Christina: (crying)
Mer: Christina? Christina. Talk to me
Christina: (sobbing) No.
Mer: Christina.
Christina: (gasping)
Mer: What happened?
Christina: (sobbing)
Mer: Talk to me. Tell me what happened.
Christina: (through sobs) Nothing! Nothing. is. happening to me. i know. I know... i don't know what I'm doing. I'm chasing after surgerys I don't care about (gasp, pause). Do you know how long it's been since i've held a haeart in my hand? Since I've felt , that, that, joy (gasp) that rush> (gasp) I miss Burke. I miss him all day. I, I, I, miss... It's not the relationship... I miss... Everyday when he was here I held hearts. and I got picked, not because of some favoritism but just because it was right. and I learned. I learned. (pause, sob) And I felt seen. And now, you know what? I don't know what... I've spent this entire day fighting (gasp) and I don't wanna do it anymore.

And of course... the Private Practice....

Addison: Nobody beat me. Nobody tried to steal my baby. Nobody stabbed me. BUT. I am wounded sam.
Sam: Noah?
Addison: *sigh* my heart is broken. And I shouldn't even complain about it because Nothing happened. I mean. nothing. happened to me. Not like what happened to the larsons, and Violet. You know sometimes I'm almost jealous of them because everybody can see their injuries and so they have a right to be messed up. I sent Noah back to his wife. I did the right thing. and... my heart is broken.

just a few good scenes.

and he's off...

tommy just left for his first day of work at Wayne/Westland. It's very exciting, I suppose. I'm proud of him - no doubt. But I am left to feel like a bit of a loser. He has two jobs and i can't seem to find one. Not for lack of trying. I think for every job he has applied for, I have applied for 3.

I am not used to being supported by a man or really by anyone. I have always, always, always worked hard. I started working working when I was in 5th grade (about 11) cleaning toilets, vacuuming and dusting at my mom's 2nd job after school. I made $2 an hour and worked about 7 to 10 hours a week. And from that point on, if I wanted anything - a snack or toy or makeup or clothes or anything for myself - i saved up and bought it. I worked all through school. I worked while Erin was sick. I worked through college. And when we owed several grand in taxes in '05, i picked up a part-time job on top of the full time job to pay them off. Of course, there have most undoubtedly been acts of kindness and gifts here and there that at times filled the gap, but for the most part it's been up to me to find a way.

And now I feel a little lost. Unable to find work and playing the supporting role - making lunches, giving pep talks, and keeping my little space clean. I think if we had a family or even our own place, I wouldn't feel as much as a loser. At least then I would have something I was responsible for. like - taking care of the kids, keeping the house tidy. I'm not opposed to the homemaker job. The problem is that you have to have a HOME to BE a "homemaker". In addition, tommy doesn't make enough with the two jobs to make ends meet - so me getting work is, indeed, essential.

So today is scouting out online all the places I plan to apply to in person this week. Gunna hit up the westland mall and the strip along warren. It's a busy place and Christmas is coming at the very least which means holiday help. So fingers crossed.

I didn't make through my "To- Do" List on Saturday because the guilt of not helping clean the basement with tommy's folks got to me. It wore me right down at lunchtime and I gave in. My stupid caring heart. So I have some of those things to accomplish. Top priority: making tommy that map. He really does have bad direction and will need some help knowing where all the schools are.

To-Do list

1. make map for tommy of all the schools in the Wayne/Westland School District as he has very poor directional skill and will need map to get to work.

2. put together gameplan for applying for waitressing jobs along warren road.

3. File the pile that is on top the fileing box.

4. vaccuum the room. (DONE)

5. figure out how much i have to make to cover the rest of the bills that tommy's two jobs don't.

6. research the cost of getting stuff back as will need in the next month in a half. make sure we've hit the savings goal.

7. play farkle, facebook, watch movies and generally anything to keep me "occupied" (i.e. in my room) until tommy gets off work at 8.

Is journal entry in style of Bridget Jones, as I am almost completely finished with first book.

This is "it".

for the last month or two, i've been thinking about happiness. and being happy despite the circumstances. i've thought out these long blogs in my head as i drive or take a shower. but, never actually sit down to write them. i had a blog in my head about what it really means to live in the grey. but i didn't write that one either. i think i might be the best non-blogger EVER! i should add THAT to my resume. *hmph* the problem is once i write all these "non-blogs" in my head, once i do sit down to write, I feel that I should write them. I mean, after all, they have been waiting their turn. But instead, I sit down to write, beside myself with emotion and can't think straight for anything to write any kind of intelligible blog. [i just reread that sentence "beside myself with emotion" and can hear lor giggling and jason making some sarcastic comment about how "what? does that mean you climbed out of yourself to sit next to yourself in emotion???" but hey, i'm leaving it in anyways ;)]

anyways, too much emotion to write a thoughtful blog and not simply a rant about how my life sucks. which i hate. but not sure how to stop. the truth is, i'm so miserable right now that i don't know if it's even possible for me not to be. or what that even begins to look like. miserable to the point that i don't even know the point of waking up every day is. because every day is the same horribleness. everyday is co-existing with people who merely tolerate me on a good day. and the bad days - oh my god - aren't blog appropriate. everyday is no job. Everyday is hunting for said job just to be told "the position has been filled" or simply hear nothing at all. every day's highlight is changing my facebook status to something pathetic or fronting optimism hoping i might believe it if i say it enough. and i'm just not quite sure the point anymore.

and now, i'm not sure what to say. i have no answers. i have no hope left. and i'm left frustrated and angry and sad and after months, hell - YEARS, of fighting, of hanging on "just a little bit longer", and telling myself it has to get better. I think very well the truth might be: this is it. there is no better.

crappy rant #43

If a blog can be a "get your thoughts out of your head and into space", can it also be begging forum to the unknown space for a job???? My unemployment is running out. The new claim is denied as expected and i believe i have 13 weeks of federal extension left (i'm not positive just gunna have to wait and see) - and then, i'm s.o.l.

it's hard for me to believe that i've been jobless so long. I find myself driving and thinking to myself, could it REALLY be over a year now??? and i find myself thinking i must have done something wrong. made some wrong choice. blew off some offer somewhere. but i haven't. nothing. there have been no offers. i have applied like gang-busters for a year and nothing. I went back to school to become more marketable. nothing. I really just don't know what I could do different. or why my life is taking this path.

Sometimes i lay in bed at night and wonder what i did wrong. or if i'm being cosmical punished for something. i haven't been perfect. but i don't think i've really done anything to warrant such a negative down turn of life. like a decade down turn???

I'm just getting to that point where i've just got nothing else to give. niceness seems gone. patience - gone. happiness - ha! that was gone LoooooooOOOOOooong ago. my grace for others is slipping. thoughtfulness just seem annoying.

anywho, if a blog can be a begging to cosmic web-gods for a job... this is mine. Ppppppplllllleeeeeaaaase. i'm a really good worker. i won't leave after 2 years. and i'm not always this much of a debbie-downer. i actually, once-upon-a-time, was considered a valuable asset to a company. and i will do good things for yours.

so my fingers are crossed in desperate act of begging for job - the schoolcraft one - it's my last good feeler out there.

and dinner is served... *sigh*

Thomas... the doubter

tonight was a dinner of parental meetings. my mom was in town and had the chance to meet tommy's 'rent's. all in all, i think it went well. My mom was raised Independent Baptist and now attends a non-denom via Southern Baptist and tommy's parents go to a former Southern Baptist now just a non-denom, as well. and it gave a foundation for them to connect on.

Two distinct low points in the dinner. Both centered around the tension between my mom and tommy.

One, my mother finished saying something and tommy started to change the subject and I interrupted him to ask a question that related to the mom's finished story. I said, "sorry to interrupt you.." and tommy, having worked all day and being on edge for several reason's responded in what I like to call "big brother antagonism" said, "actually you did mean to interrupt me..." but knowing tommy you know that the finish to that statement is that he didn't mind a bit that i interrupted him but needed to point out that I DID in fact, MEAN to interrupt him. (which i did, tis true) Like i said... "big brother antagonism". my mother, being my mother, felt the need to stick up for me and tell tommy that was not nice, at all. which created tension. because despite what my mother says, i'm pretty sure she is not the fondest of my chosen mate. i'm also pretty sure that there isn't anyone who walks this earth that w o u l d qualify.

two, one story led to another story and the next thing you know, tommy is telling one of his pet peeve stories about a woman who lost a glove in a parking lot where he was working. The woman called and asked if it had been found, in which, it had. The woman then was extremely happy and stated she had prayed that God would help her find her glove and he did. This annoys tommy to no end because of what it says about God. That while children die of starvation or disease (just pick one) and parents pray while they are blue in the face and God does not answer their prayers or save them. BUT God does help crazy middle age ladies find gloves they lost. And from there we got a miniature sermon on why God answers one prayer and not others. And the message made clear on how my mum disagrees with the theology of said chosen mate. tension.

it really all boils down to misunderstanding.

But it brought up once again a reoccurring theme with tommy, me, God, and other peoples opinions. I would say the consensus of other peoples opinions is that tommy and probably myself are far from the beaten path of faith and to put it nicely, f-ed in the head when it comes to theology. I am far less vocal than tommy, so unfortunately, he takes the brunt of criticism from family. But the truth of it is thomas, true to his Biblical namesake, is a doubter. a questioner. a person who wants to ask questions until he finds the answer and if he can't find the answer - try and make you ask the question too. It is something I adore about him and also share with him.

After leaving the cult and a time of life where i accepted everything without question, I have become far less trusting and much more of an independent thinker. Tommy has only furthered my own personal question asking journey. Like seriously, how is it that the God of the old testament is so different from the one of the new? or how come God let Job suffer for a bet like he was just an evening at the casino? or why is it I get the crap end of the stick while some other smuck sits on their butt and everything works out their way? or we accept Ester as part of the Bible which doesn't mention God ONCE, but if a Christian does the same - they are a heathen? What if the old testament stories didn't happen... what if they are just lessons? Why does the christian community shame a couple like tommy and I living together, but if we were married be okay with it? (Because technically the Bible says that since i'm divorced... remarried or not, we're both sinning) The questions, the discrepancies between one principle that is held up and the next that isn't in the church, it's kind of disgusting. and i really get why people wouldn't want to be Christians or go to church. Cuz it's kind of a mess. A big ugly confusing mudpile of woodstock proportion M E S S.

But here's the kicker. at the end of the day, tommy and I are still believers. we still believe in God. we have experienced things in this life that are unexplained by rational or even words. We just ask the questions and search for the answers and wait. and wait. and wait. And in the case of tommy, he likes to make you ask the questions too. And the more I live, the more I don't understand. And the less I have some black and white rule book in the Bible that has "all the answers" like I thought when i was kid. Cuz it doesn't. BUT I"M OKAY WITH THAT. and i'm okay with the fact that i don't get it. well... "okay" maybe a REALLY big picture feeling. cuz right now, i'd say my mood ring is more on the "frustrated to angry" color. But that's okay too.

What's frustrating is people like my mom who pass judgement on those that are willing to ask the questions. To hunt the answers down for themselves till it makes sense. Or simply waits in frustration in some spiritual eye blinking contest. After all, if your God isn't big enough to handle a few questions, a few angry sobs, and a stand your ground tug of war contest... then maybe he shouldn't be your God.