and he's off...

tommy just left for his first day of work at Wayne/Westland. It's very exciting, I suppose. I'm proud of him - no doubt. But I am left to feel like a bit of a loser. He has two jobs and i can't seem to find one. Not for lack of trying. I think for every job he has applied for, I have applied for 3.

I am not used to being supported by a man or really by anyone. I have always, always, always worked hard. I started working working when I was in 5th grade (about 11) cleaning toilets, vacuuming and dusting at my mom's 2nd job after school. I made $2 an hour and worked about 7 to 10 hours a week. And from that point on, if I wanted anything - a snack or toy or makeup or clothes or anything for myself - i saved up and bought it. I worked all through school. I worked while Erin was sick. I worked through college. And when we owed several grand in taxes in '05, i picked up a part-time job on top of the full time job to pay them off. Of course, there have most undoubtedly been acts of kindness and gifts here and there that at times filled the gap, but for the most part it's been up to me to find a way.

And now I feel a little lost. Unable to find work and playing the supporting role - making lunches, giving pep talks, and keeping my little space clean. I think if we had a family or even our own place, I wouldn't feel as much as a loser. At least then I would have something I was responsible for. like - taking care of the kids, keeping the house tidy. I'm not opposed to the homemaker job. The problem is that you have to have a HOME to BE a "homemaker". In addition, tommy doesn't make enough with the two jobs to make ends meet - so me getting work is, indeed, essential.

So today is scouting out online all the places I plan to apply to in person this week. Gunna hit up the westland mall and the strip along warren. It's a busy place and Christmas is coming at the very least which means holiday help. So fingers crossed.

I didn't make through my "To- Do" List on Saturday because the guilt of not helping clean the basement with tommy's folks got to me. It wore me right down at lunchtime and I gave in. My stupid caring heart. So I have some of those things to accomplish. Top priority: making tommy that map. He really does have bad direction and will need some help knowing where all the schools are.