the first time i went to see a movie in the theater i was something like 4 or 5. It was the first movie my mother ever saw in the theater since she had been raised strictly independent baptist and movies were "bad". it was somethng we have always shared together - our first movie. it was E.T. and i remember vividly to this day sitting in that theater watching E.T. die and Elliot come back to life with all the grown-ups wearing space outfits sobbing my headoff. i felt the pain of Elliot. i felt the loss of E.T. to the very core of my soul and i couldn't understand why all these grownups in the movie and the all the ones around me didn't seem to be as upset and heartbroken as me.
i cried through the end of the movie. i cried as we walked out to the car. i cried as we drove to the reasarant (chili's). i cried while we waited to be seated and i cried until we ordered our food and my father threatend me i wouldn't eat if i didn't stop crying. and even though i stopped the gut wrenching sobs, i still silently let the tears slide down my innocent little cheeks.
and now twenty plus years later, i watch a movie and inevitable i cry. today tom and i decided we would go and see Slumdog Millioniare in the theaters. we love movies, but to go out and see it on the big screen is something we rarely do because of the cost. but with our new found interest in all things Indian and Japannes and Chinnese... basically anything you can serve jasmine rice with... it seemed fitting to make sure we caught this one in aaaalll its glory.
We got there early after having the rustica pizza at pizza hut (very good btw) and had plenty of time to settle into our seats and wait for the previews to start. There was an ad for the new Watchman movie and a blip about the song that My Chemical Romance did for it, which made me decide that maybe i'd like to read it before i saw it in movie form. Then the previews began and as always after every single movie i declared to tom in my most ennuciated whisper (which is usually kinda loud) that i reeeeally would like to see that movie. We saw a clip for the Wolverine movie (may 1st my friends) and at that point i decided that i would go over the edge geek and admit to tom that i actually would like to start collecting the X-men graphic novels. After one preview i was even already stiffling back tears, at which point i told tom that i was most definately going to cry at Slumdog Millioniare too.
and the movie was good. i was tense through the whole thing. completely on edge wanting the best for the characters at hand and also intense on soaking up the Indian culture and language and the way they said things like "mumbai."and the end comes and the waterworks begin. it usually seems to go that way. the end of the movie... i lose it. and it's not because of what happend. it's not the loss or the gain or the pain or any particular thing that happend in the movie. it's simply because it did happen.
let me explain, it seems by the end of the movie i see all of it at once. as if you took the timeline of the events of the story and folded them on end into a two dimensional picture. like a still painting. and see it that way. as if i were in a muesum of sculptures and paintings. and i were to stand back and see it all together. the entire picture at once. and just take in it's beauty. and then naturally my eye begins to roam the piece, taking in the details. the brushstrokes, the layers, the use of color and light and dark... every element. and then you step back and see it again... all at once. and that is the end of the movie for me. the beauty of a life. any life. good or bad. life. i think it is the most beautiful artwork there is. there is nothing like the woven tapastry of the messy thing we call life.
as an artist sometimes i get so bogged down on this one part of a painting. the lighthouse whose roof is slanted wrong. or the sea whose has a wrong texture. and i work it and work it and work it - till the paper can literally bare no more and i have to stop and just let it be. and life is like that sometimes too. we get so bogged down in this one detail. or this one area. or this the one flaw made right here that we swear everyone can see and we fail to step back and see the big picture. all of it. piled ontop of itself. no one else sees the flaws we see.. they just see the beauty of the artwork layered up to make the most beautiful piece of art one can have... a life.
and that's what i love about the movies. because after two hours of being swept off to India you walk out of there and realize the whole picture in your own life. and not take for granted the sweetness of a moment like singing "help" by the beatles at the top of your lungs with your favorite person, even if you're just on your way to do the mundane job of grocery shopping.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
BUS115 and Mad Props to the Cuz
so i put the smack down on BUS115 as promised. I passed with an 88%. i only needed an 80 and i'm a happy girl. and then i went to finish registering for classes. so not good. i could sit on my soapbox of how crappy my expereince has been with the school. but i will refain. for now. there are still a few kinks to work out in the classes i have to take and how much and if i will be able to graduate in june. but. one obstacle has been dominated. yes. i am calling 88% domination. especially since everyone told me NO ONE passes the test. so take that crappy DeVry staffers! ha!
in other news..... mad props for the cuz (it's Rusty Mewha)
A big hand for Kong at Meadow Brook Theatre
By Donald V. Calamia
In an era of bad economic news, job losses and a housing crash, it should come as no surprise that people are searching for - and desperately need - a really good laugh. And that's exactly what Meadow Brook Theatre delivers with the Michigan premiere of Kong's Night Out - and plenty of them!
Created by playwright (and director) Jack Neary who always wondered what was going on in the room NEXT to the room invaded by King Kong's gigantic fist in the original 1933 movie, Kong peeks in on the second-generation rivalry between two Broadway producers.
It's hours before opening night, and Myron Siegel (Christopher Howe) is upset to learn that pre-sold tickets for Foxy Felicia are being returned by the busloads. Why? Because the talk of the town has shifted to the top-secret project Carl Denham (Wayne David Parker) has planned for that very same night, and nervous money-man Sig Higgenbottom (Eddie Mekka) is threatening to pull his money out of Siegel's sure-to-bomb extravaganza. So with the help of his investor-mother (and former stripper) Sally Charmaine (Cindy Williams), Siegel schemes to uncover his rival's plans – and squash them.
Of course, since Kong IS a farce, nothing goes as planned. Instead, what Neary offers is a silly, frothy and thoroughly delightful night of laughs, packed with plenty of twists and turns, door slams and witty banter to keep it interesting.
But what REALLY sells the production are the near-perfect performances by not only the actors mentioned above, but also by the stellar supporting cast members who at times nearly stole the show on opening night.
In particular, Kady Zadora brightens the stage as Siegel's giggly, buxom, but not-as-dumb-as-she-acts niece from Buffalo, Daisy, who eagerly agrees to help save her uncle's show - with strings attached, of course.
And Teri Clark Linden beautifully captures both the charming and slimy sides of Bertrille, the sexy, opportunistic and side-switching wife of Myron (and secret girlfriend of Carl).
However, it's Rusty Mewha who especially enchants the audience as Jack, the dimwitted fiance of Ann Darrow (the object of Kong's affection). Every entrance he makes is memorable - and you won't soon forget his impersonation of Kong crouching on a stage.
All of the show's technical elements serve the show quite well - from Kristen Gribbin's recreation of an expensive New York hotel suite to Reid G. Johnson's lights and Corey T. Globke's period-perfect costumes.
The production's only noticeable flaw occurs in Act Two, as poorly conceived and executed chase scenes lose their steam - and, seemingly, the actors' interest - half-way through.
SHOW DETAILS:
Meadow Brook Theatre, 2200 N. Squirrel Rd., Rochester. Wednesday-Sunday through March 8. Tickets: $30-$39. For information: 248-377-3300 or www.mbtheatre.com.
Click here to comment on this review
Performance Information
Show times
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 12, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 13, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 14, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 20, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 26, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 27, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, March 6, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sunday, March 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm
in other news..... mad props for the cuz (it's Rusty Mewha)
A big hand for Kong at Meadow Brook Theatre
By Donald V. Calamia
In an era of bad economic news, job losses and a housing crash, it should come as no surprise that people are searching for - and desperately need - a really good laugh. And that's exactly what Meadow Brook Theatre delivers with the Michigan premiere of Kong's Night Out - and plenty of them!
Created by playwright (and director) Jack Neary who always wondered what was going on in the room NEXT to the room invaded by King Kong's gigantic fist in the original 1933 movie, Kong peeks in on the second-generation rivalry between two Broadway producers.
It's hours before opening night, and Myron Siegel (Christopher Howe) is upset to learn that pre-sold tickets for Foxy Felicia are being returned by the busloads. Why? Because the talk of the town has shifted to the top-secret project Carl Denham (Wayne David Parker) has planned for that very same night, and nervous money-man Sig Higgenbottom (Eddie Mekka) is threatening to pull his money out of Siegel's sure-to-bomb extravaganza. So with the help of his investor-mother (and former stripper) Sally Charmaine (Cindy Williams), Siegel schemes to uncover his rival's plans – and squash them.
Of course, since Kong IS a farce, nothing goes as planned. Instead, what Neary offers is a silly, frothy and thoroughly delightful night of laughs, packed with plenty of twists and turns, door slams and witty banter to keep it interesting.
But what REALLY sells the production are the near-perfect performances by not only the actors mentioned above, but also by the stellar supporting cast members who at times nearly stole the show on opening night.
In particular, Kady Zadora brightens the stage as Siegel's giggly, buxom, but not-as-dumb-as-she-acts niece from Buffalo, Daisy, who eagerly agrees to help save her uncle's show - with strings attached, of course.
And Teri Clark Linden beautifully captures both the charming and slimy sides of Bertrille, the sexy, opportunistic and side-switching wife of Myron (and secret girlfriend of Carl).
However, it's Rusty Mewha who especially enchants the audience as Jack, the dimwitted fiance of Ann Darrow (the object of Kong's affection). Every entrance he makes is memorable - and you won't soon forget his impersonation of Kong crouching on a stage.
All of the show's technical elements serve the show quite well - from Kristen Gribbin's recreation of an expensive New York hotel suite to Reid G. Johnson's lights and Corey T. Globke's period-perfect costumes.
The production's only noticeable flaw occurs in Act Two, as poorly conceived and executed chase scenes lose their steam - and, seemingly, the actors' interest - half-way through.
SHOW DETAILS:
Meadow Brook Theatre, 2200 N. Squirrel Rd., Rochester. Wednesday-Sunday through March 8. Tickets: $30-$39. For information: 248-377-3300 or www.mbtheatre.com.
Click here to comment on this review
Performance Information
Show times
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 12, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 13, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 14, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 20, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, February 26, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, February 27, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, March 1, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Friday, March 6, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Saturday, March 7, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Sunday, March 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Sunday, February 15, 2009
hearts, chocolates, and all that mushy stuff :)
We intturupt this studing cram session to bring you the highlights of valentines day....
okay so we really aren't inturrupting anything.... just "popping out a blog" (as i told tom) before i get into a marathon day of the stuff (a.k.a studing).
but yesterday was simply too divine to not take a moment to share it. i woke up early yesterday morning to get dressed to go and sit in on mom's class - senior project. This was for two reasons: 1. if everything goes as planned, i will be taking this class "senior project" next term and it just sounds ominous... this project you do as a senior where you work with a company addressing a problem they have and giving them a solution and then doing this HUGE presentation infront of three professors (three different times). I wanted to know what the heck i was in for. 2. it was also just a great opportunity to spend time with mom and see what it is she does and where she goes when she runs out the door.
so the class was suppose to end at noon... HOWEVER, we weren't leaving campus until almost 1. which messed up my plan to run to the store for tommy. the class... went great. i gave suggestions (that was the purpose of this class...last time they meet before the 'big day) on how they could make things better. and i felt like i was giving the no brainers. just things that popped out to me. but one girl decided to pop up and tell me that i could get paid for giving people these kinds of ideas. which made me think of sharon and that i had she probably had rubbed off on me a bit. and that made me feel awfully good. so even though i was running late, i was feeling GREAT cuz apparently i'm smart and people like my ideas.
tom had texted me to let me know that he was preparing me something special at home and he was planning for me to be there at 1. so i raced home fast as i could because tom had to head off to work at 2. I got there at 1:15 with just enough time to somewhat peacefully enjoy the most amazing meal of my life. it was like iron chef had come to our kitchen. It must be said that it's the end of the grocery two weeks and time for grocery shopping. there are no more planned meals yet to be cooked. nutin. so tom iron chef style - looked at the ingredints we had and made amazing gormet lunch. We had cheesy potatoe croquets - i'm still not even sure what a croquet is but it's damn good. We had heart shaped samon cakes (super yum). Roasted grapes - sounds wierd... but really good. and Carrots cooked in basalmic vinegrette glaze. i typically do not like carrots if they are even a tiny bit warm. these were amazing. and it was topped off with aztec style drinking chocolate... it had a spicy little kick which was most yum. it was all very divine and very rich and pleasing on my happy lil foodie taste buds.
i think it was one of the best valentines day gifts ever. it took a lot of work on toms part and creativity and it was so much more than just popping by the store and handing me a bunch o flowers. it was a gift from the heart and i think that is why it was so amazing. i told tom yet once again that he really should go to culinary school... i mean if can do that with what's in the kitchen with no training... lordy almighty look out food network....
i took tom to work where we found out that there is a strong potential that possibly within the next week he will receive a promotion to the lead fuel clerk. it would mean full time, a raise, and basically the responsibilty of managing the station. nothing official... just the rumors that run before people actually do what they are talking about.
while he was at work, i ran that errand i had intended to earlier in the day. and i got lost. like 4 exits down the highway from where we live lost. i just took TWO rights. TWO. and was so lost when i called my mom she wasnt' even sure where i was. but i found my way to the highway and got back on track... just a litle behind schedule. i picked up a bottle of tupelo honey. if anyone knows us together... expecially in those early days of dating. there was van morrison and tupelo honey. tupelo honey is particularly difficult to find (i know i looked for a year), but i found a place that carries it here in GA. so i went for the sweet (literally) gift that represents the beginning sweet time in our relationship. i think it was nice.
ran home with an hour to go before tom got home. and started whipping up some super yummy devil's food cake cupcakes with creamcheese frosting. i even started using some alton brown techniques while mixing stuff together. i felt like a super pro. but a super pro running out of time. it was already time for tommy to get off work and the yummy treat wasn't done.
so i picked up the man, and he handed me a lovely velvety box o' chocolates... truffless... *giggles* it was sweet. i decided since valentines day is about appreciating the one you love, that tommy and i could just finish the cupcakes together. so we did. so now we have sweet treats and fun memories of frosting cupcakes with cheesy hearts and chocolates.
tom had make reservations at a super swanky place for dinner. but they were late (which worked out great in the end) and so we parted ways (him to our bathroom, me to moms') to get all spiffed up. and we did.... all perdy up for the occasion. i even had mom take some pictures cuz you gotta take pictures when you are all spiffed up! and we ate at Luciannos (i think that's what its name was). it's wasn't far but it was pretty packed. apparently recently rated by atlantans as the #2 italian place in the city last month. and i could see why. it was great. amazing amazing northern italian food. tommy got the rigatoni *something* and i got the lasagna... so yum. we topped it off with Tiramisu, which i think was amazing in and of itself becuase i think we had both eaten like 4 cupcakes already. the tiramisu... rocked. sooooo incredibly smooth.
by the time we started for the car to head home i was done. i think it was just hitting that point of fullness on all the senses. my tummy was golden. i had a single glass of wine. i was exhausted. i felt accomplished. and i felt overwhelmingly loved. so full that i think i was like drunk of fullness of life. i seriously could barely walk to the car and had to focus VERY hard to drive us home. but we made it home safely (for the most part) and i collapsed in bed. it was a good day for sure. a very very good day indeed.
okay so we really aren't inturrupting anything.... just "popping out a blog" (as i told tom) before i get into a marathon day of the stuff (a.k.a studing).
but yesterday was simply too divine to not take a moment to share it. i woke up early yesterday morning to get dressed to go and sit in on mom's class - senior project. This was for two reasons: 1. if everything goes as planned, i will be taking this class "senior project" next term and it just sounds ominous... this project you do as a senior where you work with a company addressing a problem they have and giving them a solution and then doing this HUGE presentation infront of three professors (three different times). I wanted to know what the heck i was in for. 2. it was also just a great opportunity to spend time with mom and see what it is she does and where she goes when she runs out the door.
so the class was suppose to end at noon... HOWEVER, we weren't leaving campus until almost 1. which messed up my plan to run to the store for tommy. the class... went great. i gave suggestions (that was the purpose of this class...last time they meet before the 'big day) on how they could make things better. and i felt like i was giving the no brainers. just things that popped out to me. but one girl decided to pop up and tell me that i could get paid for giving people these kinds of ideas. which made me think of sharon and that i had she probably had rubbed off on me a bit. and that made me feel awfully good. so even though i was running late, i was feeling GREAT cuz apparently i'm smart and people like my ideas.
tom had texted me to let me know that he was preparing me something special at home and he was planning for me to be there at 1. so i raced home fast as i could because tom had to head off to work at 2. I got there at 1:15 with just enough time to somewhat peacefully enjoy the most amazing meal of my life. it was like iron chef had come to our kitchen. It must be said that it's the end of the grocery two weeks and time for grocery shopping. there are no more planned meals yet to be cooked. nutin. so tom iron chef style - looked at the ingredints we had and made amazing gormet lunch. We had cheesy potatoe croquets - i'm still not even sure what a croquet is but it's damn good. We had heart shaped samon cakes (super yum). Roasted grapes - sounds wierd... but really good. and Carrots cooked in basalmic vinegrette glaze. i typically do not like carrots if they are even a tiny bit warm. these were amazing. and it was topped off with aztec style drinking chocolate... it had a spicy little kick which was most yum. it was all very divine and very rich and pleasing on my happy lil foodie taste buds.
i think it was one of the best valentines day gifts ever. it took a lot of work on toms part and creativity and it was so much more than just popping by the store and handing me a bunch o flowers. it was a gift from the heart and i think that is why it was so amazing. i told tom yet once again that he really should go to culinary school... i mean if can do that with what's in the kitchen with no training... lordy almighty look out food network....
i took tom to work where we found out that there is a strong potential that possibly within the next week he will receive a promotion to the lead fuel clerk. it would mean full time, a raise, and basically the responsibilty of managing the station. nothing official... just the rumors that run before people actually do what they are talking about.
while he was at work, i ran that errand i had intended to earlier in the day. and i got lost. like 4 exits down the highway from where we live lost. i just took TWO rights. TWO. and was so lost when i called my mom she wasnt' even sure where i was. but i found my way to the highway and got back on track... just a litle behind schedule. i picked up a bottle of tupelo honey. if anyone knows us together... expecially in those early days of dating. there was van morrison and tupelo honey. tupelo honey is particularly difficult to find (i know i looked for a year), but i found a place that carries it here in GA. so i went for the sweet (literally) gift that represents the beginning sweet time in our relationship. i think it was nice.
ran home with an hour to go before tom got home. and started whipping up some super yummy devil's food cake cupcakes with creamcheese frosting. i even started using some alton brown techniques while mixing stuff together. i felt like a super pro. but a super pro running out of time. it was already time for tommy to get off work and the yummy treat wasn't done.
so i picked up the man, and he handed me a lovely velvety box o' chocolates... truffless... *giggles* it was sweet. i decided since valentines day is about appreciating the one you love, that tommy and i could just finish the cupcakes together. so we did. so now we have sweet treats and fun memories of frosting cupcakes with cheesy hearts and chocolates.
tom had make reservations at a super swanky place for dinner. but they were late (which worked out great in the end) and so we parted ways (him to our bathroom, me to moms') to get all spiffed up. and we did.... all perdy up for the occasion. i even had mom take some pictures cuz you gotta take pictures when you are all spiffed up! and we ate at Luciannos (i think that's what its name was). it's wasn't far but it was pretty packed. apparently recently rated by atlantans as the #2 italian place in the city last month. and i could see why. it was great. amazing amazing northern italian food. tommy got the rigatoni *something* and i got the lasagna... so yum. we topped it off with Tiramisu, which i think was amazing in and of itself becuase i think we had both eaten like 4 cupcakes already. the tiramisu... rocked. sooooo incredibly smooth.
by the time we started for the car to head home i was done. i think it was just hitting that point of fullness on all the senses. my tummy was golden. i had a single glass of wine. i was exhausted. i felt accomplished. and i felt overwhelmingly loved. so full that i think i was like drunk of fullness of life. i seriously could barely walk to the car and had to focus VERY hard to drive us home. but we made it home safely (for the most part) and i collapsed in bed. it was a good day for sure. a very very good day indeed.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Update: Comp110
i just came back from taking the Comp110 test. passed. most goodness.
now for cramming.
now for cramming.
Jumping through the Hoops
ah school. so i've been working on getting my credits transferred and registration and the all jazz one must do before they actually attend school.
the plan is for me to take 30 credits in 16 weeks. 16 credits (5 classes) for 8 weeks. and then 14 credits (5 classes) the other 8 weeks. and then THAT my friends will give me a finished degree. A degree in "technical management" (a general business degree) with an emphasis in psychology. It also makes me much more marketable in the business world in which i've got quite a few years experience working in. and so, hopefully all of this will get me a job. isn't that ALWAYS the point???
well, yesterday i went up to school to register for classes. all my official transcripts were in and evaluated. (i have 4 including my high school transcript). and it has come back officially that i will need to take 35 credit hours in order to graduate with aforementioned degree. i have to take 30 credits to achieve the residency requirement. so i will need to test out of 5 credits... no biggie. one is a general computer class (what is a cpu? how do you send an email?) that kind of stuff. and the other was an excel class (i'm an excel wizard... again. a breeze).
now i have entrusted my mother with the planning of my schooling. it's her school. she is a former dean and currently teaches in the business sector, as well as, advises like 75 students (the most of any professor on campus). the lady gave birth to me, she knows what i can handle and she knows this school and how to work the system for ones schooling advantage. so why reinvent the wheel... she's my official school planner. so she planned it all out. gave me a sheet of paper with the classes i needed and the schedule she felt was good - making sure she got me the professors that were the best... the whole nine yards. takes a huge load off my back - let me tell you.
so i walk in yesterday - to register. everyone knows my mom. everyone loves her. (she's an AMAZING professor) and hand over all the work she's done for me. i get through the first person. no problems. no hint of a problem. check. i go to finical aid to sign crap there. no problems. no hint of problems. check. i go to register for the classes my mom has written on my trusty piece of paper.... problem. big. big. big problems. after crazy looks, the registrar chick goes and gets the dean. the dean explains to me that i can not simply take 30 credit hours in a semester. that is crazy. they only let people take 19 at a maximum. now know that i've already had this discussion with my mom on the possibility and plausibility of this situation and she has assured me that she has had students do this before and that she believes it's something i can do. so here i am looking at the dean of students saying... but my mommy said i could. okay. i didn't SAY that... but what came out of my mouth, was pretty close. i felt pretty stupid.
so said dean says... well you will have to complete an academic appeal to get the policy waived. so she gets me said form which requires a letter explaining what i want and why. and the dean says... we will go ahead and register you for up to 19 and then go from there.
so registrar sits down again to attempt to do this. computer freezes up and wont let her in. she tries and tries and tries. nothing. so she says... i'll have to put it in later. i'll just write everything down and put a note in your file. so she starts with the first class. A business survey class. again she looks up at me and rambles to herself and then goes and gets the dean. (she's gone quite awhile this time). registration lady comes back and says there are these problems the dean will talk to you in a minute. great.
so dean comes back out and explains that the class i need and was trying to register for is a prerequisite for ALL the other classes i need to take. and that THIS class must be completed before i begin the rest. (well if that's the case, the plan to finish in ONE term just went out the window) however, she tells me that if i can test out of this class that will solve some of the problems. we will still have some conflicts, but at least we could go from there. she suggests i go to the library check out the book for the class and attempt the test in three days. yup. cram a whole class, self taught, and be able to test on it by tuesday.
so i go home. registered for nothing and a little defeated feeling yet DETERMINED to work through all of this. i write one kick ass letter as to how i am completely capable of taking this class load because i'm not working and that people who work and take ONE class have the same demands placed upon their time and life that i would have with 5 classes and NO work. and then i detailed out my 5 year educational history of gpas, course loads, academic accomplishments and part time work schedule i managed. as proof that i could do this because i HAD done this before. i then handed it in to her before the end of the day. i wanted this dean to know i meant business. so i wait to hear on things on that front.
so today i needed test out of that computer class. i go in to do so and apparently my electronic file has not been fixed from when i got screwed up yesterday. someone screwed something up (registering lady was training this other chick) and they had not done what they needed to do in the computer system and could not do it because it kept freezing up and all of this had to be fixed before i took the test. so i spent an hour waiting to take the test and did not. i gave her my number and said i would take it later today if she got it fixed - just let me know. otherwise i guess it will be tomorrow or monday... we shall see.
in the meantime, i am about to start cramming for this other test BUS115. mom ran some reconnaissance for me and found out the kinds of things on the test... apparently its very vocab heavy. so i'm gunna cram and take said test on tuesday. this test determines a lot. it basically determines if i can take the course load i want, graduating in june and everything.
my gut also tells me that this test will determine if the dean will approve my academic appeal. if i were her - i would wait to see how well i was able to cram for a test and then if i could succeed at passing it. if i could, then i would think that would be a good indicator i might be able to handle the heavy course load. if i can't, then it might say i need to take it slower. that's what i would think if i was the dean... and so again... EVERYTHING hinges on this test. so forgive me if i'm absent till after tuesday... it's crunch time kids.
happy birthday to my lady hope - lor! (may your 29th be the best yet)
Happy friday the 13th to all of you... whoo!
happy Valentines to you all tomorrow. i know tommy and i are doing sumtin special... perhaps topic of next blog.
peas and carrots.
p.s. my spelling really sucks.
the plan is for me to take 30 credits in 16 weeks. 16 credits (5 classes) for 8 weeks. and then 14 credits (5 classes) the other 8 weeks. and then THAT my friends will give me a finished degree. A degree in "technical management" (a general business degree) with an emphasis in psychology. It also makes me much more marketable in the business world in which i've got quite a few years experience working in. and so, hopefully all of this will get me a job. isn't that ALWAYS the point???
well, yesterday i went up to school to register for classes. all my official transcripts were in and evaluated. (i have 4 including my high school transcript). and it has come back officially that i will need to take 35 credit hours in order to graduate with aforementioned degree. i have to take 30 credits to achieve the residency requirement. so i will need to test out of 5 credits... no biggie. one is a general computer class (what is a cpu? how do you send an email?) that kind of stuff. and the other was an excel class (i'm an excel wizard... again. a breeze).
now i have entrusted my mother with the planning of my schooling. it's her school. she is a former dean and currently teaches in the business sector, as well as, advises like 75 students (the most of any professor on campus). the lady gave birth to me, she knows what i can handle and she knows this school and how to work the system for ones schooling advantage. so why reinvent the wheel... she's my official school planner. so she planned it all out. gave me a sheet of paper with the classes i needed and the schedule she felt was good - making sure she got me the professors that were the best... the whole nine yards. takes a huge load off my back - let me tell you.
so i walk in yesterday - to register. everyone knows my mom. everyone loves her. (she's an AMAZING professor) and hand over all the work she's done for me. i get through the first person. no problems. no hint of a problem. check. i go to finical aid to sign crap there. no problems. no hint of problems. check. i go to register for the classes my mom has written on my trusty piece of paper.... problem. big. big. big problems. after crazy looks, the registrar chick goes and gets the dean. the dean explains to me that i can not simply take 30 credit hours in a semester. that is crazy. they only let people take 19 at a maximum. now know that i've already had this discussion with my mom on the possibility and plausibility of this situation and she has assured me that she has had students do this before and that she believes it's something i can do. so here i am looking at the dean of students saying... but my mommy said i could. okay. i didn't SAY that... but what came out of my mouth, was pretty close. i felt pretty stupid.
so said dean says... well you will have to complete an academic appeal to get the policy waived. so she gets me said form which requires a letter explaining what i want and why. and the dean says... we will go ahead and register you for up to 19 and then go from there.
so registrar sits down again to attempt to do this. computer freezes up and wont let her in. she tries and tries and tries. nothing. so she says... i'll have to put it in later. i'll just write everything down and put a note in your file. so she starts with the first class. A business survey class. again she looks up at me and rambles to herself and then goes and gets the dean. (she's gone quite awhile this time). registration lady comes back and says there are these problems the dean will talk to you in a minute. great.
so dean comes back out and explains that the class i need and was trying to register for is a prerequisite for ALL the other classes i need to take. and that THIS class must be completed before i begin the rest. (well if that's the case, the plan to finish in ONE term just went out the window) however, she tells me that if i can test out of this class that will solve some of the problems. we will still have some conflicts, but at least we could go from there. she suggests i go to the library check out the book for the class and attempt the test in three days. yup. cram a whole class, self taught, and be able to test on it by tuesday.
so i go home. registered for nothing and a little defeated feeling yet DETERMINED to work through all of this. i write one kick ass letter as to how i am completely capable of taking this class load because i'm not working and that people who work and take ONE class have the same demands placed upon their time and life that i would have with 5 classes and NO work. and then i detailed out my 5 year educational history of gpas, course loads, academic accomplishments and part time work schedule i managed. as proof that i could do this because i HAD done this before. i then handed it in to her before the end of the day. i wanted this dean to know i meant business. so i wait to hear on things on that front.
so today i needed test out of that computer class. i go in to do so and apparently my electronic file has not been fixed from when i got screwed up yesterday. someone screwed something up (registering lady was training this other chick) and they had not done what they needed to do in the computer system and could not do it because it kept freezing up and all of this had to be fixed before i took the test. so i spent an hour waiting to take the test and did not. i gave her my number and said i would take it later today if she got it fixed - just let me know. otherwise i guess it will be tomorrow or monday... we shall see.
in the meantime, i am about to start cramming for this other test BUS115. mom ran some reconnaissance for me and found out the kinds of things on the test... apparently its very vocab heavy. so i'm gunna cram and take said test on tuesday. this test determines a lot. it basically determines if i can take the course load i want, graduating in june and everything.
my gut also tells me that this test will determine if the dean will approve my academic appeal. if i were her - i would wait to see how well i was able to cram for a test and then if i could succeed at passing it. if i could, then i would think that would be a good indicator i might be able to handle the heavy course load. if i can't, then it might say i need to take it slower. that's what i would think if i was the dean... and so again... EVERYTHING hinges on this test. so forgive me if i'm absent till after tuesday... it's crunch time kids.
happy birthday to my lady hope - lor! (may your 29th be the best yet)
Happy friday the 13th to all of you... whoo!
happy Valentines to you all tomorrow. i know tommy and i are doing sumtin special... perhaps topic of next blog.
peas and carrots.
p.s. my spelling really sucks.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Medication War
so it's an early sunday morning. earlier than anyone not working in their right mind should be up. but since it is a typically sacred day. and it happened to be my topic of fluttering thoughts while i folded the clothes and washed this dishes (already this morning - whoo go me!). i thought it time to sit down and really contemplate this idea/situation i battle daily. i also hesitated before writing this.... is this too personal? to private a matter? to public a forum? and it might be, i think it definitely squishes right up to the edge. but at the same time it does good to shine light on what is historically thought of as something that is secretive and shameful. that even i, in my very open personality type, shy away from admitting in public for fear of being shamed. and perhaps bring understanding to a group of people i have begun to see in the world around me that i like to think of as "the sensitives". so. i attempt to tread lightly, but to continue to tread.
previous to 7th grade, i remember myself being quiet and shy. that had a lot to do with my family and growing up and my father. my parents separated and divorced when i was in 4th grade (over spring break). but it was in 7th and 8th grade that it was like this light switched turned on in my world. it had been a couple of years since the separation and i guess it took time for me to come out of the coma of that situation. and i went from quiet to bouncing off the freaking wall. i looked like a crazy text book example of kid with ADD. i couldn't sit still. everything seemed so alive to me. everything felt all of a sudden so deep. and i felt passionate. the sun was sunnier. my friends made me happier. it was like i had the energizer bunny living inside of me. and i'm pretty sure i annoyed every single person i came in contact with. and having so much energy made me kinda weird for a kid in 7th/8th grade... that's when you are supposed to be "playing it cool". and i did not. not even close.
high school years, brought with it an incredibly emotional teenager. my mother and sister began calling me a "drama queen" which to this day i find extremely offensive. to me a drama queen lives for drama, is excited by drama and has a tendency to create drama around them. i have never felt like i have done this in my life... okay maybe a little bit. but when you are 16 doesn't everyone? it wasn't till somewhere in college that i figured out that i wasn't a 'drama queen' but someone who felt emotions seemingly deeper than the people around me and that i expressed these feelings at the same depth i felt them. which to the rest of the world might seem like it's being "overdone". but to me it was just the way i felt.
so as the years have passed. i've matured. had one breakdown. one failed marriage. off and on medication throughout these years because i don't have the money for it, because i think i can not take it, because i run out and i don't refill it, because lots of reasons. first let me say i was technically diagnosed with bi-polar after the breakdown. i, however, wonder the accuracy of this diagnosis. so here i am back in the battle of medication. my medication happens to be extremely expensive and does not have a generic to substitute for it. being unemployed and with out insurance, this posses as a bit of a problem. i've refilled it and paid for the scripts out of pocket since july. but some time ago, i ran out of refills and so now i would need to add in a very expensive doctors visit ontop of a pills i already can't afford. so i began the task of going off medication again. and these are the things i contemplate and know about myself that all play into my personal medication war.
one. i am a sensitive person. not in the sense that i get my feelings hurt easily. in the sense that every outside element that comes in effects me strongly. i am not just talking about emotions or situations. but medications too. from the time that i was a baby taking my shots. my mom said they had to split them in half because the result is that they would make me very sick. (a point that recently was brought up due Kristy's baby shot problems - but i'm not surprised in the least). but i've known for a very long time that medications that have hormones in them are even more effective to me. like "the pill" (taken for girly complicated things that i won't talk about on my blog. cuz... ewwww!) but we will say. it's not an option for me. i am so incredibly sensitive to the pill and it makes me so violently ill. that i would rather live in pain and misery than the side effects of that hormonal beast.
i am also sensitive to others emotions, as well. every time i go off and on the darn medication i pick another piece to how i work and what is different and what the meds do and what they don't. and have tried to piece these bits together little by little over time. one thing they do is numb out my ability to feel compassion for other people to level that i naturally tend to feel at. i think this can be good. and i think this can be bad. good: is that i have in my life, carried the hurt of the world upon my back. and the hurt of the world has drug me down to a place where i can't seem to function as times. i am not intended to do such. but bad: because i miss things i wouldn't off medications. prime example - driving downtown last week tom and i hit a toll both. i had to go to a cashier and she gave me change. i took in her eyes and the profound sadness they carried. and my heart was so heavily grieved for this woman. a stranger whom i wonder what has happened to her to make her look so sad. and i would have missed that if on medication. i would have been in my fake little sunshine world laughing with tom, but looked over this woman that i am sure literally thousands of people do a day.
this being sensitive to the world around me is a really big point for me. because i feel i was made more sensitive. that i observe things others often miss. that i can be empathetic when others cannot. i feel this is a part of who i am and how i was created and being on medication denys me this part of myself but also protects me from allowing it to consume me. however, this time i wonder if i might have found a balance for this off medication. because in the end, that is really what i need. a way to balance who i am without denying it and without being consumed by it.
lets go back to my little lady in the toll booth. in that moment, when my heart was instantly grieved for this lady, i looked over to tom and told him about it. how very sad i felt in that moment. and this is one way tom complements me so very well. i feel he understands this very sensitive part of me but at the same time is not a person with such strong emotion. so i can share my instant sadness. take a moment to send up a prayer, grieve for her. feel understood and comfortable enough to say what is on my heart to tom and then let it go. let it be and not carry it on. and this seems to be working.
I have also learned that things like eating right, getting enough sleep, and having daily exercise also are good tools to keep me in a more balanced state off medication.
other factors. my mom is very pro-medication. she is a mom and wants to fix everything. she also has been consumed in a culture of cancer and medication for a long time. and so she really just wants me to take medication and feel happy and good all the time. but the world isn't happy and good all the time and i think as a culture we run away from tears and grieving because we think of them as "bad".
i know that off medications. i cry a lot..... i mean a lot. lately, jaime's blogs having been taring me up (her mother recently passed away). a commercial. a movie. i can cry when i'm happy. like the Superbowl commercial where the two horses run off together. it's such a beautiful cute little story in a 60 sec commercial that moves me... and i cry. a piece of art work.
and this time with the waterfall of tears, i have found myself thinking why run away from this? why is crying thought of as so bad? it's not like i'm hysterical or crying for hours. usually just a minute or two. but our instinct is to not feel. to push it away, push it to the side. and not think about how a moment or a thing moves us. to move through life smoothly without complications- and tears and emotions can most definitely be complications. but the downside of this... this moving through the everyday without complication or rise is that it can make the day mundane. and we get so focused on doing the day that we forget the day. we are numbed by the repetition of the tasks. i feel like the sensitive part of me, makes me stop and see the extraordinary in the everyday. a stupid commercial that makes me think of a love that would not be bound by anything. a woman in a toll both with great sadness - that there is someone outside of myself. and when i look at it like this. it feels somewhat like a gift and a great responsibility. i have the ability to see something beautiful in the simplest of things. how extraordinary is that! but also, if you see something - you can not just pass it up and do nothing. and so there is also a great deal of responsibility. and i find myself writing lots of notes. and messages. and so forth. but i like that about me. my life goal is to love. to love others as the best i can. and so being more sensitive gives me more of an opportunity (when in balance) to love others betters, because i see things i would otherwise pass up.
and yet another factor. i could probably leave this part out, but it too plays heavily in the game. and i'm attempting to be open and honest about the war i find myself in. kids. i'm 28. and i have been made with what feels like a particularly strong "mother" jean. we will not go into the "this is not the right timing for kids" spiel. i'm aware. trust me. but the medication i would take i can not with the bearing of children. and so wanting children one day, i worry what if i can't go off the meds during that time. what if it keeps me from getting el preggo? it's a fear that plays in the back of my head. as i type it... i see the fear based reasoning. but it's a factor.
however, all is not great off meds. i'm not completely a super-being who is all loving and giving. *chuckles* oh no. this time i see a little clearer how i am also a little more unloving off meds too. i feel like i have a tendency to snap at things more - at people more. it's like something happens that i do not like, and my first reaction is a strong burst of anger that usually comes out in ugly words. and then i feel bad about it. i feel more annoyed with people when they do stupid things instead of forgiving. and this is something i have recognized THIS time more clearer. but i look back in life and see how it has been there all along. and this i do not like. this is a problem. this is something i am trying to wrap my head around on how to control and bring into balance. i haven't figured this one out yet. but it's definitely a factor for why staying on medication is good - i roll with the punches better.
yet another factor. is the diagnosis itself. i question if i'm bi-polar at all. i don't exactly fit the textbook qualifications. if anything, i am only slightly bi-polar. i have never had full blown mania. only really hypo-mania and only 'severish cases' rarely. i also cycle fast. like. many times in one day sometimes. or every couple days. so with these factors, i question the diagnosis. but then if not "bi-polar" what? i lean towards hormonal. :D it is purely a theory. but if i am just simply a sensitive person to all elements, then it would plausible that as my normal ole hormones shift and do their thing... so do i. with every chemical change, i react accordingly. it's a theory. but it fits better than "bi-polar". unfortunately, i think the only way to know for sure is to do lots of hormonal panel studies and look at the patterns from them along side the symptoms i record in a fun little calender. i would really like to do this. partially just to scratch the curiosity itch. but if this is the case... then are medications necessary to treat a "condition" i don't have? or would you use the same medications (because they do work) to treat the symptoms? it's an interesting question.
and so you have it. the big factors of the war inside. what is the right thing for me? to medicate or not? i don't know. it's a tricky balance. for now, i have the deal i always seem to have with myself when i go med-free. it's okay and acceptable until you see the signs that you are beginning to not function well on a day to day basis. and then you go back on. so far: i'm functioning fine. even getting up early and handling the bills and responsibilities in life better than usual. but i'm usually not unemployed either ;). and so the teetering balancing act continues.
previous to 7th grade, i remember myself being quiet and shy. that had a lot to do with my family and growing up and my father. my parents separated and divorced when i was in 4th grade (over spring break). but it was in 7th and 8th grade that it was like this light switched turned on in my world. it had been a couple of years since the separation and i guess it took time for me to come out of the coma of that situation. and i went from quiet to bouncing off the freaking wall. i looked like a crazy text book example of kid with ADD. i couldn't sit still. everything seemed so alive to me. everything felt all of a sudden so deep. and i felt passionate. the sun was sunnier. my friends made me happier. it was like i had the energizer bunny living inside of me. and i'm pretty sure i annoyed every single person i came in contact with. and having so much energy made me kinda weird for a kid in 7th/8th grade... that's when you are supposed to be "playing it cool". and i did not. not even close.
high school years, brought with it an incredibly emotional teenager. my mother and sister began calling me a "drama queen" which to this day i find extremely offensive. to me a drama queen lives for drama, is excited by drama and has a tendency to create drama around them. i have never felt like i have done this in my life... okay maybe a little bit. but when you are 16 doesn't everyone? it wasn't till somewhere in college that i figured out that i wasn't a 'drama queen' but someone who felt emotions seemingly deeper than the people around me and that i expressed these feelings at the same depth i felt them. which to the rest of the world might seem like it's being "overdone". but to me it was just the way i felt.
so as the years have passed. i've matured. had one breakdown. one failed marriage. off and on medication throughout these years because i don't have the money for it, because i think i can not take it, because i run out and i don't refill it, because lots of reasons. first let me say i was technically diagnosed with bi-polar after the breakdown. i, however, wonder the accuracy of this diagnosis. so here i am back in the battle of medication. my medication happens to be extremely expensive and does not have a generic to substitute for it. being unemployed and with out insurance, this posses as a bit of a problem. i've refilled it and paid for the scripts out of pocket since july. but some time ago, i ran out of refills and so now i would need to add in a very expensive doctors visit ontop of a pills i already can't afford. so i began the task of going off medication again. and these are the things i contemplate and know about myself that all play into my personal medication war.
one. i am a sensitive person. not in the sense that i get my feelings hurt easily. in the sense that every outside element that comes in effects me strongly. i am not just talking about emotions or situations. but medications too. from the time that i was a baby taking my shots. my mom said they had to split them in half because the result is that they would make me very sick. (a point that recently was brought up due Kristy's baby shot problems - but i'm not surprised in the least). but i've known for a very long time that medications that have hormones in them are even more effective to me. like "the pill" (taken for girly complicated things that i won't talk about on my blog. cuz... ewwww!) but we will say. it's not an option for me. i am so incredibly sensitive to the pill and it makes me so violently ill. that i would rather live in pain and misery than the side effects of that hormonal beast.
i am also sensitive to others emotions, as well. every time i go off and on the darn medication i pick another piece to how i work and what is different and what the meds do and what they don't. and have tried to piece these bits together little by little over time. one thing they do is numb out my ability to feel compassion for other people to level that i naturally tend to feel at. i think this can be good. and i think this can be bad. good: is that i have in my life, carried the hurt of the world upon my back. and the hurt of the world has drug me down to a place where i can't seem to function as times. i am not intended to do such. but bad: because i miss things i wouldn't off medications. prime example - driving downtown last week tom and i hit a toll both. i had to go to a cashier and she gave me change. i took in her eyes and the profound sadness they carried. and my heart was so heavily grieved for this woman. a stranger whom i wonder what has happened to her to make her look so sad. and i would have missed that if on medication. i would have been in my fake little sunshine world laughing with tom, but looked over this woman that i am sure literally thousands of people do a day.
this being sensitive to the world around me is a really big point for me. because i feel i was made more sensitive. that i observe things others often miss. that i can be empathetic when others cannot. i feel this is a part of who i am and how i was created and being on medication denys me this part of myself but also protects me from allowing it to consume me. however, this time i wonder if i might have found a balance for this off medication. because in the end, that is really what i need. a way to balance who i am without denying it and without being consumed by it.
lets go back to my little lady in the toll booth. in that moment, when my heart was instantly grieved for this lady, i looked over to tom and told him about it. how very sad i felt in that moment. and this is one way tom complements me so very well. i feel he understands this very sensitive part of me but at the same time is not a person with such strong emotion. so i can share my instant sadness. take a moment to send up a prayer, grieve for her. feel understood and comfortable enough to say what is on my heart to tom and then let it go. let it be and not carry it on. and this seems to be working.
I have also learned that things like eating right, getting enough sleep, and having daily exercise also are good tools to keep me in a more balanced state off medication.
other factors. my mom is very pro-medication. she is a mom and wants to fix everything. she also has been consumed in a culture of cancer and medication for a long time. and so she really just wants me to take medication and feel happy and good all the time. but the world isn't happy and good all the time and i think as a culture we run away from tears and grieving because we think of them as "bad".
i know that off medications. i cry a lot..... i mean a lot. lately, jaime's blogs having been taring me up (her mother recently passed away). a commercial. a movie. i can cry when i'm happy. like the Superbowl commercial where the two horses run off together. it's such a beautiful cute little story in a 60 sec commercial that moves me... and i cry. a piece of art work.
and this time with the waterfall of tears, i have found myself thinking why run away from this? why is crying thought of as so bad? it's not like i'm hysterical or crying for hours. usually just a minute or two. but our instinct is to not feel. to push it away, push it to the side. and not think about how a moment or a thing moves us. to move through life smoothly without complications- and tears and emotions can most definitely be complications. but the downside of this... this moving through the everyday without complication or rise is that it can make the day mundane. and we get so focused on doing the day that we forget the day. we are numbed by the repetition of the tasks. i feel like the sensitive part of me, makes me stop and see the extraordinary in the everyday. a stupid commercial that makes me think of a love that would not be bound by anything. a woman in a toll both with great sadness - that there is someone outside of myself. and when i look at it like this. it feels somewhat like a gift and a great responsibility. i have the ability to see something beautiful in the simplest of things. how extraordinary is that! but also, if you see something - you can not just pass it up and do nothing. and so there is also a great deal of responsibility. and i find myself writing lots of notes. and messages. and so forth. but i like that about me. my life goal is to love. to love others as the best i can. and so being more sensitive gives me more of an opportunity (when in balance) to love others betters, because i see things i would otherwise pass up.
and yet another factor. i could probably leave this part out, but it too plays heavily in the game. and i'm attempting to be open and honest about the war i find myself in. kids. i'm 28. and i have been made with what feels like a particularly strong "mother" jean. we will not go into the "this is not the right timing for kids" spiel. i'm aware. trust me. but the medication i would take i can not with the bearing of children. and so wanting children one day, i worry what if i can't go off the meds during that time. what if it keeps me from getting el preggo? it's a fear that plays in the back of my head. as i type it... i see the fear based reasoning. but it's a factor.
however, all is not great off meds. i'm not completely a super-being who is all loving and giving. *chuckles* oh no. this time i see a little clearer how i am also a little more unloving off meds too. i feel like i have a tendency to snap at things more - at people more. it's like something happens that i do not like, and my first reaction is a strong burst of anger that usually comes out in ugly words. and then i feel bad about it. i feel more annoyed with people when they do stupid things instead of forgiving. and this is something i have recognized THIS time more clearer. but i look back in life and see how it has been there all along. and this i do not like. this is a problem. this is something i am trying to wrap my head around on how to control and bring into balance. i haven't figured this one out yet. but it's definitely a factor for why staying on medication is good - i roll with the punches better.
yet another factor. is the diagnosis itself. i question if i'm bi-polar at all. i don't exactly fit the textbook qualifications. if anything, i am only slightly bi-polar. i have never had full blown mania. only really hypo-mania and only 'severish cases' rarely. i also cycle fast. like. many times in one day sometimes. or every couple days. so with these factors, i question the diagnosis. but then if not "bi-polar" what? i lean towards hormonal. :D it is purely a theory. but if i am just simply a sensitive person to all elements, then it would plausible that as my normal ole hormones shift and do their thing... so do i. with every chemical change, i react accordingly. it's a theory. but it fits better than "bi-polar". unfortunately, i think the only way to know for sure is to do lots of hormonal panel studies and look at the patterns from them along side the symptoms i record in a fun little calender. i would really like to do this. partially just to scratch the curiosity itch. but if this is the case... then are medications necessary to treat a "condition" i don't have? or would you use the same medications (because they do work) to treat the symptoms? it's an interesting question.
and so you have it. the big factors of the war inside. what is the right thing for me? to medicate or not? i don't know. it's a tricky balance. for now, i have the deal i always seem to have with myself when i go med-free. it's okay and acceptable until you see the signs that you are beginning to not function well on a day to day basis. and then you go back on. so far: i'm functioning fine. even getting up early and handling the bills and responsibilities in life better than usual. but i'm usually not unemployed either ;). and so the teetering balancing act continues.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Coffee - *insert some witty little tag line here*
Cuz i logged into the 'puter... and yahoo had a sneaky little tag line... "who beat starbucks in a taste test?". and of course, being 1. an avid fan of coffee and 2. loving all things starbucks had to know who could have possibly beat them?
now... i do love starbucks. end of story. but i - being severly unemployed and shortly a full time student - have no money for such luxeries. and so in times of great need, i have fallen back on my favorite cheap at home brew, Five o'clock Coffee. One day when i visited this episcopalian church in ludington where the congregation was all over 80 (which made me stick out like a sore thumb). i got into a conversation about coffee with a little old late and how i am fond of the five o'clock stuff. and she told me (in a nutshell and paraphrased) the stuff is older than sin. but i like it. it's particularly cheap when you buy the bag that has the $1 off coupon inside. and use that coupon to buy another bag, with another coupon!
so what do my eyes see when i follow the aforementioned link....
an article stating in a taste test of columbian brewed coffee, Five o'clock beat out everyone. starbucks, folgers, maxwell, duncan... EVERYONE. i do love my cheap little finds!
and hope this doesn't make them get a big head and raise the price. hmmm :
now... i do love starbucks. end of story. but i - being severly unemployed and shortly a full time student - have no money for such luxeries. and so in times of great need, i have fallen back on my favorite cheap at home brew, Five o'clock Coffee. One day when i visited this episcopalian church in ludington where the congregation was all over 80 (which made me stick out like a sore thumb). i got into a conversation about coffee with a little old late and how i am fond of the five o'clock stuff. and she told me (in a nutshell and paraphrased) the stuff is older than sin. but i like it. it's particularly cheap when you buy the bag that has the $1 off coupon inside. and use that coupon to buy another bag, with another coupon!
so what do my eyes see when i follow the aforementioned link....
an article stating in a taste test of columbian brewed coffee, Five o'clock beat out everyone. starbucks, folgers, maxwell, duncan... EVERYONE. i do love my cheap little finds!
and hope this doesn't make them get a big head and raise the price. hmmm :
We Have A BED!!!!
it started really in July of 07. In the depths of heartache, i told the former husband we needed some space to figure stuff out and that i would move into the spare bedroom. The spare 'oom had no bed, but an old futon that was terribly uncomfortable. so much so, that i took the frame apart and slept on the futon mattress on the floor for a couple of months. and then, i moved out completely and slept on a friends futon... a little more comfortable but not great - until November. and then i moved to detroit, and got to sleep in a bed... a real live bed. It wasn't my bed and i long for my own things and my own place.
In like March of 08, i began sleeping in Southgate. and decided that i still needed my own place and my own bed. they were beds... but not MY bed.
and so in June, i officially got my very own apartment with a borrowed twin mattress that i got to sleep on the floor with. whoo! it wasn't much. but it was mine. and then the heavy traveling began with WLS... and i wasn't any place for longer than a couple days it seemed. my placee. his place. a hotel bed. until august of 08 when i got laid off. and then ....
october of 08 it was decided we move to alanta to help out with my sister. and we began sleeping on air mattress. at first it was an office with an air mattress in the middle of it. one that required being picked up everyday and everynight put back together. a pain in the @$$ and not really comfortable.
After christmas we finally rearranged our room and had a "bed space" that didn't require that we pick up our air mattress every day and it was better. but still not exactly comfortable sleeping. but yesterday. sweet, sweet yesterday...we borrowed a truck from my mom's friend and got the bed out of storage. my bed. a queen bed.
it's been a rough ride of sleeping arrangements over almost a two year span. and while it's not my bed with my things... it's still a bed. and if you've ever spent 4 months on an air mattress, you would know that it's a monumental feet of wonderfulness to have a bed. a real bed. i'm sitting on it blogging now. cuz i don't want to leave it's heavenly place.
it's a good day.
In like March of 08, i began sleeping in Southgate. and decided that i still needed my own place and my own bed. they were beds... but not MY bed.
and so in June, i officially got my very own apartment with a borrowed twin mattress that i got to sleep on the floor with. whoo! it wasn't much. but it was mine. and then the heavy traveling began with WLS... and i wasn't any place for longer than a couple days it seemed. my placee. his place. a hotel bed. until august of 08 when i got laid off. and then ....
october of 08 it was decided we move to alanta to help out with my sister. and we began sleeping on air mattress. at first it was an office with an air mattress in the middle of it. one that required being picked up everyday and everynight put back together. a pain in the @$$ and not really comfortable.
After christmas we finally rearranged our room and had a "bed space" that didn't require that we pick up our air mattress every day and it was better. but still not exactly comfortable sleeping. but yesterday. sweet, sweet yesterday...we borrowed a truck from my mom's friend and got the bed out of storage. my bed. a queen bed.
it's been a rough ride of sleeping arrangements over almost a two year span. and while it's not my bed with my things... it's still a bed. and if you've ever spent 4 months on an air mattress, you would know that it's a monumental feet of wonderfulness to have a bed. a real bed. i'm sitting on it blogging now. cuz i don't want to leave it's heavenly place.
it's a good day.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the Week Highlights in Pictures
Sooooo.... every family has it's nuancies and character traits as a whole. My family... particularly the role my papa plays in the family has an entertaining quality to it. he likes jokes. and he is known for "running to the store" (a tool store for sure) and actually going out for an hour or two for donuts and coffee, but of course he never says that's where he is headed too. He's the fella who buys every corney thing in the Cracker Barrel gift shop and giggles like a school boy when he plays a prank on someone. He's known for his infamous "he who smelt it dealt it" philosophy. He's favorite color is brown and his favorite publicaion is The Reader's Digest.
I think they look like something that Star Trek:New Generation would wear. or a little "monk-ish" all the same: how can you not love the randomness of the gift that comes from a fella like papa?
One year (i think it was 2002) after Christmas, everyone in the family started to recieving there very own year subscription to Reader's Digest. nothing was said... we all just started getting one out of nowhere. It was papa. Apparently, he got something in mail and decided since he loved it so much... we would all probably love it too. but he didn't tell anyone... he just sent them to us. He's that kinda guy.
This year... papa struck again. Two days ago, in the evening, a big ole box arrives. so we open it up and low and behold... we all (even tom) have snuggies. If you have not seen the mini-info Commerical you must. you really must. Basically it creates a problem and then solves it with the snuggie... it's info-merical awesome. I instantly began jumping up and down like a little kid yelling "there Snuggggies!!!!" I ran for the camera to document the momental occasion.
I think they look like something that Star Trek:New Generation would wear. or a little "monk-ish" all the same: how can you not love the randomness of the gift that comes from a fella like papa?
Yep. Tom was doing the robot here, actually we both were but somehow when my brain sent this message to my face it came out more "monster" than "robot"... so i edited myself out.
so tommy has become obsessed with Japanesse culture. the flame was ignited back in the fall when we went out for the last time with the Hattons to the Chinness Buffet. they have a sushi bar and i am quite fond of sushi. I encouraged tom to step out of his comfort zone and at the very least try a california roll. he did and found he kinda liked it. then when he started working at kroger not too long ago, he noticed that this store has a full time sushi guy and what he says "is the most amazing looking sushi". So that fanned the flame. This weekend all he could think about was sushi. so he began researching it wanting to know more about the art. and if you tom at all, you know that once he starts with the wiki, he just can't put it down. he'll follow link after link until he's absorbed everybit of info he can and usually ends up on some site that has NOTHING to do with what he started out as. and so this is how he came upon
the "Bento". And so he decided that he wanted to take his lunch in a bento box japanese style. So he researched until he found a cost effective little bento box. A blog recommended one of the Ikea food savers. So on our trip downtown yesterday, we picked up aforementioned food saver a.k.a. Bento Box. This morning the man was so excited to use it and pack a lunch for himself at work. That i think he got up at 4 am (he had to be at work at 5:45) just to cook rice for his lunch so it could be a proper bento box. Part of the idea of the bento is that it is asthetically pleasing..... keep this in mind. he's was so cute (in a manly kinda cute way, of course) that i had to take pictures. come to find out... so did he! :D
the "Bento". And so he decided that he wanted to take his lunch in a bento box japanese style. So he researched until he found a cost effective little bento box. A blog recommended one of the Ikea food savers. So on our trip downtown yesterday, we picked up aforementioned food saver a.k.a. Bento Box. This morning the man was so excited to use it and pack a lunch for himself at work. That i think he got up at 4 am (he had to be at work at 5:45) just to cook rice for his lunch so it could be a proper bento box. Part of the idea of the bento is that it is asthetically pleasing..... keep this in mind. he's was so cute (in a manly kinda cute way, of course) that i had to take pictures. come to find out... so did he! :DMonday, February 2, 2009
Superbowl 2009
So i'm not a huge NFL watching kinda girl. I prefer college ball if i'm gunna watch. just do. but with tommy being a big football fan and the Official Superbowl Party thrower for all our friends, this year we had to at least watch. Even if we couldn't have the party like we would want to.
My favorite commercial was with the Budweiser Clydsdale who went running across the country to get his girl daisy. prolly a really girly commercial but it made me giggle and cry at the same time. (i cry a lot these days... side effects of weeing off the medication. but no worries....i'm not actually sad... it just seems like all emotion comes out in the form of tears). so if you missed the superbowl commercials... you should go and check this one out.
The Superbowl itself was pretty amazing. I have to admit the second half i started playing on facebook and yoville and only half watched the game, but i did see all the important plays live. And it was honestly an amazing game. a very viewer friendly game. it was just one big record breaking play after another.
Half time show was cool. i liked how The Boss actually had a good time with it. throwing jokes in and laughing. He looked like he was having as much playing as everyone in the stands. And that was just cool. Tom Petty last year was cool. I'm a big fan of the t.p., but i do believe the boss topped him big time.
all around, i would say it was a momentous event. one which involved lots of crying due to how emotional the game was... i know... i know, but what are you gunna do with me???
My favorite commercial was with the Budweiser Clydsdale who went running across the country to get his girl daisy. prolly a really girly commercial but it made me giggle and cry at the same time. (i cry a lot these days... side effects of weeing off the medication. but no worries....i'm not actually sad... it just seems like all emotion comes out in the form of tears). so if you missed the superbowl commercials... you should go and check this one out.
The Superbowl itself was pretty amazing. I have to admit the second half i started playing on facebook and yoville and only half watched the game, but i did see all the important plays live. And it was honestly an amazing game. a very viewer friendly game. it was just one big record breaking play after another.
Half time show was cool. i liked how The Boss actually had a good time with it. throwing jokes in and laughing. He looked like he was having as much playing as everyone in the stands. And that was just cool. Tom Petty last year was cool. I'm a big fan of the t.p., but i do believe the boss topped him big time.
all around, i would say it was a momentous event. one which involved lots of crying due to how emotional the game was... i know... i know, but what are you gunna do with me???
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Successful and Accomplished
so these days i find myself busy with creating "to-do"lists and then trying to accomplish everything on them. School has yet to start... i still have another month. I'm not working. so i find making the aforementioned 'to-do' list and checking the items off, gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction and an overal feeling of control of my life. it is so easy in the world of unemployment far far away from friends and whatnots to sit and feel like your life has no meaning and is rather pointless. and it is depressing to apply for job after job after job with no one even to respond to tell you, you are crap go knock on someone Else's virtual door. so the 'to-do' list has become my effect tool of feeling successful.
Some of the things on my to-do list currently are to Finalize the details of subletting my apartment. I finally found a taker on friday. I am still holding my breath until the papers are signed, but it's there. it's within reach. Email the Bests - they are coming this way for family vacation and i've done some research on good deals and fun places to go. Follow up on my National City Points - it's been a huge debacle... but i'm getting me my points back and those points are gunna buy me a bed (whoo!). Call DTE - my heating bill for an apartment i don't live in and the heat is set at 50 degrees by the apartment complex so the pipes won't freeze is costing me $150 this month. so an inquiry to how an apartment i don't live in cost so much in heat i don't use - is now required. Research Coupons. (i'll come back to this) and then a couple of other things like mail some cards out to people and other things i can't say cuz what if i type them here and you read them and then it spoils the surprise. so other things like that.
So Coupons. Coupons have become my life. it started off with the Savvy Shopper, i think. A publication that comes in the mail with coupons to places in the area. When going on a date, or out for any reason we try to use one of these bad boys. Then Friday i began to wonder if there might be a coupon for harp's Iams. so i googled "iams coupons" and hit upon a now favorite money saving site "Mommy Saves Big". It's got tons of savings. so now. i'm a savings addict. With me unemployed, and tommy doing his best to work and bring in what he can to combat 'the man'... i can't actually INCREASE the household income. But i CAN save money and lower the cost of living. and so that's what i'm doing. Over the course of two days i researched the local sale ads (kroger, target (it's a super target), walmart), going through the coupon site for stuff we would ACTUALLY use. and then looking through our cookbooks for recipes that used the ingredients that were 1. on sale or 2. i had a coupon for or 3. both. Then i created a shopping list from there. and then off the shopping list, i went back to the coupon web sites to look for specific pricey items that i needed that were not on sale and that i hadn't found a coupon for. For instance... Rice Wine. It's not something we use regularly. Actually we've never used it... but the next two weeks includes three dishes that have it as an ingredient.... so i went in looking for it since it's something off the beaten path. and it paid off. We have a budget of $100 for two weeks of food. this is a couple items for breakfast, lunchmeat, and then one planned dinner meal (the recipe).... for $100 we can create 12 meals. most those meals have leftovers and become the next days lunch. and so this is a lengthy paragraph in which i just described how awesome i am and super successful at accomplishing my made up tasks on my aforementioned to-do list.
another thing of late that i've become consumed with is facebook. i'm not sure what has snapped inside me. but staying apart of everyones life that i know has become really important to me. Perhaps it's the lack of people interaction that i have here in atlanta. and thus, facebook is creating for me a sense of community. maybe that is pathetic. or maybe it's not. but staying in touch has created a sense of being loved and connected to the ones i loved and so if it is pathetic, then i suppose i'm willing to be pathetic in order to feel good.
and now, i hear my sister yelling through the house because she wants me to help her with her algebra test. which is... another blog in and of itself.
but before i dash off - an update on the visit of Rachel. It was so wonderful to see her. It is just always good conversation. Friday T made three bean chili a vegetarian dish which was great and had lots of flavor (email me and i'll get you the recipe) and three of us all talked and just enjoyed one another company. Saturday, we all went out for Sushi (using a coupon from the Savvy Shopper of course) and then to the favorite place (Dreamy Gelato) for of course... Gelato. So good. and again had great conversation. it was just good to get out and interact with a person and a bonus that, that person was the great Rachel.
Some of the things on my to-do list currently are to Finalize the details of subletting my apartment. I finally found a taker on friday. I am still holding my breath until the papers are signed, but it's there. it's within reach. Email the Bests - they are coming this way for family vacation and i've done some research on good deals and fun places to go. Follow up on my National City Points - it's been a huge debacle... but i'm getting me my points back and those points are gunna buy me a bed (whoo!). Call DTE - my heating bill for an apartment i don't live in and the heat is set at 50 degrees by the apartment complex so the pipes won't freeze is costing me $150 this month. so an inquiry to how an apartment i don't live in cost so much in heat i don't use - is now required. Research Coupons. (i'll come back to this) and then a couple of other things like mail some cards out to people and other things i can't say cuz what if i type them here and you read them and then it spoils the surprise. so other things like that.
So Coupons. Coupons have become my life. it started off with the Savvy Shopper, i think. A publication that comes in the mail with coupons to places in the area. When going on a date, or out for any reason we try to use one of these bad boys. Then Friday i began to wonder if there might be a coupon for harp's Iams. so i googled "iams coupons" and hit upon a now favorite money saving site "Mommy Saves Big". It's got tons of savings. so now. i'm a savings addict. With me unemployed, and tommy doing his best to work and bring in what he can to combat 'the man'... i can't actually INCREASE the household income. But i CAN save money and lower the cost of living. and so that's what i'm doing. Over the course of two days i researched the local sale ads (kroger, target (it's a super target), walmart), going through the coupon site for stuff we would ACTUALLY use. and then looking through our cookbooks for recipes that used the ingredients that were 1. on sale or 2. i had a coupon for or 3. both. Then i created a shopping list from there. and then off the shopping list, i went back to the coupon web sites to look for specific pricey items that i needed that were not on sale and that i hadn't found a coupon for. For instance... Rice Wine. It's not something we use regularly. Actually we've never used it... but the next two weeks includes three dishes that have it as an ingredient.... so i went in looking for it since it's something off the beaten path. and it paid off. We have a budget of $100 for two weeks of food. this is a couple items for breakfast, lunchmeat, and then one planned dinner meal (the recipe).... for $100 we can create 12 meals. most those meals have leftovers and become the next days lunch. and so this is a lengthy paragraph in which i just described how awesome i am and super successful at accomplishing my made up tasks on my aforementioned to-do list.
another thing of late that i've become consumed with is facebook. i'm not sure what has snapped inside me. but staying apart of everyones life that i know has become really important to me. Perhaps it's the lack of people interaction that i have here in atlanta. and thus, facebook is creating for me a sense of community. maybe that is pathetic. or maybe it's not. but staying in touch has created a sense of being loved and connected to the ones i loved and so if it is pathetic, then i suppose i'm willing to be pathetic in order to feel good.
and now, i hear my sister yelling through the house because she wants me to help her with her algebra test. which is... another blog in and of itself.
but before i dash off - an update on the visit of Rachel. It was so wonderful to see her. It is just always good conversation. Friday T made three bean chili a vegetarian dish which was great and had lots of flavor (email me and i'll get you the recipe) and three of us all talked and just enjoyed one another company. Saturday, we all went out for Sushi (using a coupon from the Savvy Shopper of course) and then to the favorite place (Dreamy Gelato) for of course... Gelato. So good. and again had great conversation. it was just good to get out and interact with a person and a bonus that, that person was the great Rachel.
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