The Medication War

so it's an early sunday morning. earlier than anyone not working in their right mind should be up. but since it is a typically sacred day. and it happened to be my topic of fluttering thoughts while i folded the clothes and washed this dishes (already this morning - whoo go me!). i thought it time to sit down and really contemplate this idea/situation i battle daily. i also hesitated before writing this.... is this too personal? to private a matter? to public a forum? and it might be, i think it definitely squishes right up to the edge. but at the same time it does good to shine light on what is historically thought of as something that is secretive and shameful. that even i, in my very open personality type, shy away from admitting in public for fear of being shamed. and perhaps bring understanding to a group of people i have begun to see in the world around me that i like to think of as "the sensitives". so. i attempt to tread lightly, but to continue to tread.

previous to 7th grade, i remember myself being quiet and shy. that had a lot to do with my family and growing up and my father. my parents separated and divorced when i was in 4th grade (over spring break). but it was in 7th and 8th grade that it was like this light switched turned on in my world. it had been a couple of years since the separation and i guess it took time for me to come out of the coma of that situation. and i went from quiet to bouncing off the freaking wall. i looked like a crazy text book example of kid with ADD. i couldn't sit still. everything seemed so alive to me. everything felt all of a sudden so deep. and i felt passionate. the sun was sunnier. my friends made me happier. it was like i had the energizer bunny living inside of me. and i'm pretty sure i annoyed every single person i came in contact with. and having so much energy made me kinda weird for a kid in 7th/8th grade... that's when you are supposed to be "playing it cool". and i did not. not even close.

high school years, brought with it an incredibly emotional teenager. my mother and sister began calling me a "drama queen" which to this day i find extremely offensive. to me a drama queen lives for drama, is excited by drama and has a tendency to create drama around them. i have never felt like i have done this in my life... okay maybe a little bit. but when you are 16 doesn't everyone? it wasn't till somewhere in college that i figured out that i wasn't a 'drama queen' but someone who felt emotions seemingly deeper than the people around me and that i expressed these feelings at the same depth i felt them. which to the rest of the world might seem like it's being "overdone". but to me it was just the way i felt.

so as the years have passed. i've matured. had one breakdown. one failed marriage. off and on medication throughout these years because i don't have the money for it, because i think i can not take it, because i run out and i don't refill it, because lots of reasons. first let me say i was technically diagnosed with bi-polar after the breakdown. i, however, wonder the accuracy of this diagnosis. so here i am back in the battle of medication. my medication happens to be extremely expensive and does not have a generic to substitute for it. being unemployed and with out insurance, this posses as a bit of a problem. i've refilled it and paid for the scripts out of pocket since july. but some time ago, i ran out of refills and so now i would need to add in a very expensive doctors visit ontop of a pills i already can't afford. so i began the task of going off medication again. and these are the things i contemplate and know about myself that all play into my personal medication war.

one. i am a sensitive person. not in the sense that i get my feelings hurt easily. in the sense that every outside element that comes in effects me strongly. i am not just talking about emotions or situations. but medications too. from the time that i was a baby taking my shots. my mom said they had to split them in half because the result is that they would make me very sick. (a point that recently was brought up due Kristy's baby shot problems - but i'm not surprised in the least). but i've known for a very long time that medications that have hormones in them are even more effective to me. like "the pill" (taken for girly complicated things that i won't talk about on my blog. cuz... ewwww!) but we will say. it's not an option for me. i am so incredibly sensitive to the pill and it makes me so violently ill. that i would rather live in pain and misery than the side effects of that hormonal beast.

i am also sensitive to others emotions, as well. every time i go off and on the darn medication i pick another piece to how i work and what is different and what the meds do and what they don't. and have tried to piece these bits together little by little over time. one thing they do is numb out my ability to feel compassion for other people to level that i naturally tend to feel at. i think this can be good. and i think this can be bad. good: is that i have in my life, carried the hurt of the world upon my back. and the hurt of the world has drug me down to a place where i can't seem to function as times. i am not intended to do such. but bad: because i miss things i wouldn't off medications. prime example - driving downtown last week tom and i hit a toll both. i had to go to a cashier and she gave me change. i took in her eyes and the profound sadness they carried. and my heart was so heavily grieved for this woman. a stranger whom i wonder what has happened to her to make her look so sad. and i would have missed that if on medication. i would have been in my fake little sunshine world laughing with tom, but looked over this woman that i am sure literally thousands of people do a day.

this being sensitive to the world around me is a really big point for me. because i feel i was made more sensitive. that i observe things others often miss. that i can be empathetic when others cannot. i feel this is a part of who i am and how i was created and being on medication denys me this part of myself but also protects me from allowing it to consume me. however, this time i wonder if i might have found a balance for this off medication. because in the end, that is really what i need. a way to balance who i am without denying it and without being consumed by it.

lets go back to my little lady in the toll booth. in that moment, when my heart was instantly grieved for this lady, i looked over to tom and told him about it. how very sad i felt in that moment. and this is one way tom complements me so very well. i feel he understands this very sensitive part of me but at the same time is not a person with such strong emotion. so i can share my instant sadness. take a moment to send up a prayer, grieve for her. feel understood and comfortable enough to say what is on my heart to tom and then let it go. let it be and not carry it on. and this seems to be working.

I have also learned that things like eating right, getting enough sleep, and having daily exercise also are good tools to keep me in a more balanced state off medication.

other factors. my mom is very pro-medication. she is a mom and wants to fix everything. she also has been consumed in a culture of cancer and medication for a long time. and so she really just wants me to take medication and feel happy and good all the time. but the world isn't happy and good all the time and i think as a culture we run away from tears and grieving because we think of them as "bad".

i know that off medications. i cry a lot..... i mean a lot. lately, jaime's blogs having been taring me up (her mother recently passed away). a commercial. a movie. i can cry when i'm happy. like the Superbowl commercial where the two horses run off together. it's such a beautiful cute little story in a 60 sec commercial that moves me... and i cry. a piece of art work.

and this time with the waterfall of tears, i have found myself thinking why run away from this? why is crying thought of as so bad? it's not like i'm hysterical or crying for hours. usually just a minute or two. but our instinct is to not feel. to push it away, push it to the side. and not think about how a moment or a thing moves us. to move through life smoothly without complications- and tears and emotions can most definitely be complications. but the downside of this... this moving through the everyday without complication or rise is that it can make the day mundane. and we get so focused on doing the day that we forget the day. we are numbed by the repetition of the tasks. i feel like the sensitive part of me, makes me stop and see the extraordinary in the everyday. a stupid commercial that makes me think of a love that would not be bound by anything. a woman in a toll both with great sadness - that there is someone outside of myself. and when i look at it like this. it feels somewhat like a gift and a great responsibility. i have the ability to see something beautiful in the simplest of things. how extraordinary is that! but also, if you see something - you can not just pass it up and do nothing. and so there is also a great deal of responsibility. and i find myself writing lots of notes. and messages. and so forth. but i like that about me. my life goal is to love. to love others as the best i can. and so being more sensitive gives me more of an opportunity (when in balance) to love others betters, because i see things i would otherwise pass up.

and yet another factor. i could probably leave this part out, but it too plays heavily in the game. and i'm attempting to be open and honest about the war i find myself in. kids. i'm 28. and i have been made with what feels like a particularly strong "mother" jean. we will not go into the "this is not the right timing for kids" spiel. i'm aware. trust me. but the medication i would take i can not with the bearing of children. and so wanting children one day, i worry what if i can't go off the meds during that time. what if it keeps me from getting el preggo? it's a fear that plays in the back of my head. as i type it... i see the fear based reasoning. but it's a factor.

however, all is not great off meds. i'm not completely a super-being who is all loving and giving. *chuckles* oh no. this time i see a little clearer how i am also a little more unloving off meds too. i feel like i have a tendency to snap at things more - at people more. it's like something happens that i do not like, and my first reaction is a strong burst of anger that usually comes out in ugly words. and then i feel bad about it. i feel more annoyed with people when they do stupid things instead of forgiving. and this is something i have recognized THIS time more clearer. but i look back in life and see how it has been there all along. and this i do not like. this is a problem. this is something i am trying to wrap my head around on how to control and bring into balance. i haven't figured this one out yet. but it's definitely a factor for why staying on medication is good - i roll with the punches better.

yet another factor. is the diagnosis itself. i question if i'm bi-polar at all. i don't exactly fit the textbook qualifications. if anything, i am only slightly bi-polar. i have never had full blown mania. only really hypo-mania and only 'severish cases' rarely. i also cycle fast. like. many times in one day sometimes. or every couple days. so with these factors, i question the diagnosis. but then if not "bi-polar" what? i lean towards hormonal. :D it is purely a theory. but if i am just simply a sensitive person to all elements, then it would plausible that as my normal ole hormones shift and do their thing... so do i. with every chemical change, i react accordingly. it's a theory. but it fits better than "bi-polar". unfortunately, i think the only way to know for sure is to do lots of hormonal panel studies and look at the patterns from them along side the symptoms i record in a fun little calender. i would really like to do this. partially just to scratch the curiosity itch. but if this is the case... then are medications necessary to treat a "condition" i don't have? or would you use the same medications (because they do work) to treat the symptoms? it's an interesting question.

and so you have it. the big factors of the war inside. what is the right thing for me? to medicate or not? i don't know. it's a tricky balance. for now, i have the deal i always seem to have with myself when i go med-free. it's okay and acceptable until you see the signs that you are beginning to not function well on a day to day basis. and then you go back on. so far: i'm functioning fine. even getting up early and handling the bills and responsibilities in life better than usual. but i'm usually not unemployed either ;). and so the teetering balancing act continues.