I give up

I'm not sure anyone ACTUALLY will read this since it has been F O R E V E R since i blogged. I could do a whole stupid "update", but anyone who reads this knows i'm back in Michigan and they know why. and that despite my personally pity party at this moment - i am relatively pleased that i'm here. because the truth of the matter is that things would suck this bad if we were anywhere... at least it gets to suck with our friends and family.

My life has been in transition for two years. And I feel I have taken it like a champ, relatively speaking. Not to mention that the three years before that were pretty much miserable. So now at the end of 5 years I am homeless, jobless, carless, and pretty much pennyless. Everything I own is in storage in Georgia. I sleep on an air mattress and live out of a bag. I have given up on having any kind of deep meaningful relationship with my family and i am trying to come to grips that I am just different and despite my efforts we will not agree on a great many things and they will always think I am someone I am not. The best to hope for is small talk and day to day "hows the weather" conversations.

I keep waiting for life to begin. Bonding conversations with new family. Fitting in somewhere. Eventually getting our own place. Getting married again. children. but I approach 30 and the truth of the matter is I have nothing more than I had when I was 19 and first moved to Michigan. Except perhaps myself. A better understanding of myself and a little more sanity, but that came out of, honestly, just more heartache.

Today seems to be a particularly difficult day. I should be happy but in the mist of someone elses joy, I can only see how miserable my life is. And I want to just give up. cuz where does it all get you? and why even try? Because I seem to be the person denstined for crap. and the short end of the really stinky stick.

The voice in my head dictated by my upbringing says "well there must be some purpose in it all. some lesson to learn." Which only makes anger rise in me, cuz seriously? i'm not resisting learning. do we REALLY think it's necessary to go to these extremes??? not to mention if this is the way someone teaches - then I think they need a better system. cuz it sucks. i don't like it. and it makes me angry. and honestly, what is the purpose of taking everything a person has in life and making it crap so they feel like crap? well, crappy feeling achieved. perhaps we could move on now.

anyways. i give up. i raise the white flag.
bleh. my pity party even annoys me.
retarded.