Thomas... the doubter

tonight was a dinner of parental meetings. my mom was in town and had the chance to meet tommy's 'rent's. all in all, i think it went well. My mom was raised Independent Baptist and now attends a non-denom via Southern Baptist and tommy's parents go to a former Southern Baptist now just a non-denom, as well. and it gave a foundation for them to connect on.

Two distinct low points in the dinner. Both centered around the tension between my mom and tommy.

One, my mother finished saying something and tommy started to change the subject and I interrupted him to ask a question that related to the mom's finished story. I said, "sorry to interrupt you.." and tommy, having worked all day and being on edge for several reason's responded in what I like to call "big brother antagonism" said, "actually you did mean to interrupt me..." but knowing tommy you know that the finish to that statement is that he didn't mind a bit that i interrupted him but needed to point out that I DID in fact, MEAN to interrupt him. (which i did, tis true) Like i said... "big brother antagonism". my mother, being my mother, felt the need to stick up for me and tell tommy that was not nice, at all. which created tension. because despite what my mother says, i'm pretty sure she is not the fondest of my chosen mate. i'm also pretty sure that there isn't anyone who walks this earth that w o u l d qualify.

two, one story led to another story and the next thing you know, tommy is telling one of his pet peeve stories about a woman who lost a glove in a parking lot where he was working. The woman called and asked if it had been found, in which, it had. The woman then was extremely happy and stated she had prayed that God would help her find her glove and he did. This annoys tommy to no end because of what it says about God. That while children die of starvation or disease (just pick one) and parents pray while they are blue in the face and God does not answer their prayers or save them. BUT God does help crazy middle age ladies find gloves they lost. And from there we got a miniature sermon on why God answers one prayer and not others. And the message made clear on how my mum disagrees with the theology of said chosen mate. tension.

it really all boils down to misunderstanding.

But it brought up once again a reoccurring theme with tommy, me, God, and other peoples opinions. I would say the consensus of other peoples opinions is that tommy and probably myself are far from the beaten path of faith and to put it nicely, f-ed in the head when it comes to theology. I am far less vocal than tommy, so unfortunately, he takes the brunt of criticism from family. But the truth of it is thomas, true to his Biblical namesake, is a doubter. a questioner. a person who wants to ask questions until he finds the answer and if he can't find the answer - try and make you ask the question too. It is something I adore about him and also share with him.

After leaving the cult and a time of life where i accepted everything without question, I have become far less trusting and much more of an independent thinker. Tommy has only furthered my own personal question asking journey. Like seriously, how is it that the God of the old testament is so different from the one of the new? or how come God let Job suffer for a bet like he was just an evening at the casino? or why is it I get the crap end of the stick while some other smuck sits on their butt and everything works out their way? or we accept Ester as part of the Bible which doesn't mention God ONCE, but if a Christian does the same - they are a heathen? What if the old testament stories didn't happen... what if they are just lessons? Why does the christian community shame a couple like tommy and I living together, but if we were married be okay with it? (Because technically the Bible says that since i'm divorced... remarried or not, we're both sinning) The questions, the discrepancies between one principle that is held up and the next that isn't in the church, it's kind of disgusting. and i really get why people wouldn't want to be Christians or go to church. Cuz it's kind of a mess. A big ugly confusing mudpile of woodstock proportion M E S S.

But here's the kicker. at the end of the day, tommy and I are still believers. we still believe in God. we have experienced things in this life that are unexplained by rational or even words. We just ask the questions and search for the answers and wait. and wait. and wait. And in the case of tommy, he likes to make you ask the questions too. And the more I live, the more I don't understand. And the less I have some black and white rule book in the Bible that has "all the answers" like I thought when i was kid. Cuz it doesn't. BUT I"M OKAY WITH THAT. and i'm okay with the fact that i don't get it. well... "okay" maybe a REALLY big picture feeling. cuz right now, i'd say my mood ring is more on the "frustrated to angry" color. But that's okay too.

What's frustrating is people like my mom who pass judgement on those that are willing to ask the questions. To hunt the answers down for themselves till it makes sense. Or simply waits in frustration in some spiritual eye blinking contest. After all, if your God isn't big enough to handle a few questions, a few angry sobs, and a stand your ground tug of war contest... then maybe he shouldn't be your God.