the art of a life

the first time i went to see a movie in the theater i was something like 4 or 5. It was the first movie my mother ever saw in the theater since she had been raised strictly independent baptist and movies were "bad". it was somethng we have always shared together - our first movie. it was E.T. and i remember vividly to this day sitting in that theater watching E.T. die and Elliot come back to life with all the grown-ups wearing space outfits sobbing my headoff. i felt the pain of Elliot. i felt the loss of E.T. to the very core of my soul and i couldn't understand why all these grownups in the movie and the all the ones around me didn't seem to be as upset and heartbroken as me.

i cried through the end of the movie. i cried as we walked out to the car. i cried as we drove to the reasarant (chili's). i cried while we waited to be seated and i cried until we ordered our food and my father threatend me i wouldn't eat if i didn't stop crying. and even though i stopped the gut wrenching sobs, i still silently let the tears slide down my innocent little cheeks.

and now twenty plus years later, i watch a movie and inevitable i cry. today tom and i decided we would go and see Slumdog Millioniare in the theaters. we love movies, but to go out and see it on the big screen is something we rarely do because of the cost. but with our new found interest in all things Indian and Japannes and Chinnese... basically anything you can serve jasmine rice with... it seemed fitting to make sure we caught this one in aaaalll its glory.

We got there early after having the rustica pizza at pizza hut (very good btw) and had plenty of time to settle into our seats and wait for the previews to start. There was an ad for the new Watchman movie and a blip about the song that My Chemical Romance did for it, which made me decide that maybe i'd like to read it before i saw it in movie form. Then the previews began and as always after every single movie i declared to tom in my most ennuciated whisper (which is usually kinda loud) that i reeeeally would like to see that movie. We saw a clip for the Wolverine movie (may 1st my friends) and at that point i decided that i would go over the edge geek and admit to tom that i actually would like to start collecting the X-men graphic novels. After one preview i was even already stiffling back tears, at which point i told tom that i was most definately going to cry at Slumdog Millioniare too.

and the movie was good. i was tense through the whole thing. completely on edge wanting the best for the characters at hand and also intense on soaking up the Indian culture and language and the way they said things like "mumbai."and the end comes and the waterworks begin. it usually seems to go that way. the end of the movie... i lose it. and it's not because of what happend. it's not the loss or the gain or the pain or any particular thing that happend in the movie. it's simply because it did happen.

let me explain, it seems by the end of the movie i see all of it at once. as if you took the timeline of the events of the story and folded them on end into a two dimensional picture. like a still painting. and see it that way. as if i were in a muesum of sculptures and paintings. and i were to stand back and see it all together. the entire picture at once. and just take in it's beauty. and then naturally my eye begins to roam the piece, taking in the details. the brushstrokes, the layers, the use of color and light and dark... every element. and then you step back and see it again... all at once. and that is the end of the movie for me. the beauty of a life. any life. good or bad. life. i think it is the most beautiful artwork there is. there is nothing like the woven tapastry of the messy thing we call life.

as an artist sometimes i get so bogged down on this one part of a painting. the lighthouse whose roof is slanted wrong. or the sea whose has a wrong texture. and i work it and work it and work it - till the paper can literally bare no more and i have to stop and just let it be. and life is like that sometimes too. we get so bogged down in this one detail. or this one area. or this the one flaw made right here that we swear everyone can see and we fail to step back and see the big picture. all of it. piled ontop of itself. no one else sees the flaws we see.. they just see the beauty of the artwork layered up to make the most beautiful piece of art one can have... a life.

and that's what i love about the movies. because after two hours of being swept off to India you walk out of there and realize the whole picture in your own life. and not take for granted the sweetness of a moment like singing "help" by the beatles at the top of your lungs with your favorite person, even if you're just on your way to do the mundane job of grocery shopping.